Avocados can remain unrefrigerated until you cut into them, and then they become a time-bomb of oxidization. Keep the pit and rind attached to the avocado, wrap the rest tightly cling wrap, and store in the fridge. If you want to be intense about it, you can rub the exposed flesh of the avocado (phrasing?) with a sliced lemon.
To store the lemon you just sliced to preserve your avocado, you can simply let it sit in your fridge unwrapped. After 1-2 weeks, simply walk your lemon to your local dive bar, where you can drop it off as free garnish!
It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.
Microgreens can be stored in the refrigerator with a paper towel stuck directly in the packaging to absorb moisture. If you can help it, do not make direct eye contact with your microgreens, lest they disintegrate. You can also simply throw a $10 bill in the trash for the same nutritional value. It has been a valiant effort to better yourself, but it’s just not worth it at this point. The microgreens don’t want you to live longer. Perhaps it was the microgreens sabotaging your life this whole time.
Simply store your sack of potatoes in your kitchen cabinet. Ideally this should be a cabinet above arm’s reach that you need a step ladder to reach. It’s best to simply forget that potatoes exist after purchasing. They last so long, don’t they? Dry, dark, and happy. Save them for Thanksgiving! Two years from now! Maybe they’ll even make it. Maybe you’ll begin to wonder if something has died in the walls. You’ve created so much more than a filling side dish (mash, potato salad, latkes)—oh no, you’ve created a game! You’ve managed to create a mystery in your very own kitchen.
You beautiful, simple fool. You can’t destroy grapes. Eat them now, a snack! Let them dry out in the sun and add them to trail mix! Roast them with nuts and cheese and charge me $30 dollars to eat them! Make them into a home-brewed wine! Freeze them and pelt them at an enemy! Grapes are so much stronger than mere mortal flesh.
Anne Jaconette works in publishing, marketing books for Knopf Doubleday. She previously co-created “For A Bad Time Call…” a podcast dedicated to women’s rage.(2018-2019). She lives in New York where she has no worries or problems.