Count Dracula Is Now on OnlyFangs

HELLO MORTALS! YOUR FAVORITE VAMPIRE IS NOW ON ONLYFANGS! IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE COUNT CAPELESS, SUBSCRIBE NOW AND FEEL THE FANGTASY!

I’m about as mortified as a vampire can get. My publicist got a little carried away in that press release, so I feel I should clarify: Yes, I am now on the OnlyFangs platform. And yes, I will occasionally take my cape off for top-tier subscribers. But I promise it will not be sleazy. I’m aware of what kind of content OnlyFangs is known for, but everyone is doing it these days. Even minor mythological celebrities with sharp teeth and not-so-sharp intellects are making good money off it. Case in point: Nosferatu’s Impale Me account has millions of subscribers. Why, then, should I not get paid for offering valuable, exclusive content for my many fans? I just don’t know if I can confidently bare it all. How can I keep up with that vampire twink Edward Cullen? Undead doesn’t mean forever young, you know. On the other hand, that ridiculous Cocaine Bear is jiggling its fat, hairy belly in front of thousands of salivating admirers. I’m no bear, though. I’m skinny enough to take a piss behind a lamppost without being noticed. And as for body hair: three long, gray wire hairs around each nip. It’s just sad. I can’t even compete with those skinny werewolf twins whose Significant Otters account has exploded in popularity.

Do you like my profile photo? I was going for distinguished and handsome, yet sinister and sexy. Please don’t say I look like Leslie Nielsen in that awful Dracula biopic. Maybe I should get XXL veneers. They look impressive, but I’m afraid they won’t feel natural.

Listen, I’m not proud to be on OnlyFangs, but I still have 300 years until retirement, and it would be stupid not to monetize my name. I am, after all, the most famous vampire in history. Unfortunately, the tote bags didn’t sell. “Look, Vlad,” my publicist said, “They don’t want your sad canvas sacks. The only sack people want to pay to see is the one between yer legs!” Has it really come to this? After centuries of spreading terror, am I to spread only my legs and have my saggy scrotum hang out? I don’t understand people today.

You will have already inferred that my publicist is a classy lady. I met her in L.A. at a Halloween party at Elvira’s house. Halloween is a scam of a holiday for wannabes, if you ask me. The people there were so fake—never in my eternal life did I see so many prosthetic ears and acrylic nails. I dated Elvira for a while. She’s an anemic bitch! I’m not being hateful—it’s the tagline on her OnlyFangs profile, and she told me to let you know. Dating her was my publicist’s bad idea. She thought we would become Hollywood royalty, but Elvira only used me as an opportunity to make her famous lewd puns and double entendres, like a gothic Mae West:

–        He may be long in the tooth, but he’s long in other areas, too.

–        As a woman with multitudinous lovers, I like that he never comes into my bedroom uninvited.

–        He knows the proper place to insert a wooden stake.

–        I love how tanned and sexy I look when I’m standing next to Drac.

–        If the coffin’s rockin’, don’t come-a-knockin’.

It was awfully embarrassing. Every time she opened her mouth in public, it would make me blush. Well, not quite, but you know what I mean.

If my OnlyFangs profile doesn’t start seeing some traction soon, I’m getting off this cursed platform. Should I post a thirst trap daguerreotype? I’ll do it right now; there’s no reason to overthink these things. One-two-three… upload! I can’t wait to see your reactions. Oh, here’s a comment already: Not nearly as sexy as Wolverine. That Hugh Jackman is hotttt! Hater! If you like steroid beauty that much, go somewhere else.

Wait, where is everyone going all of a sudden? What’s that? Alexander Skarsgård is now on OnlyFangs? Bloody heaven! One doesn’t stand a chance in this place. Ugh, I wish I were dead!