Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

Gothmopolitan Magazine

Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other's Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.

Euphemisms for ‘Influencer’ That Reality Shows Use to Make It Seem Like Contestants All Have Different Jobs

Content Creator, Freelance Content Strategy Specialist, CEO of Micro-Ad Sales, and more!


The Lust Boys, The Princess Ride, When Harry Wet Sally, and more #Slutty80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

New From Sephora: Motor Oil

From Sephora: The maker of Blackcurrant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: Motor Oil - Just drizzle a dime-size amount on your palm, put on your finger, and rub under the eyes in a circular motion. Watch as the sulfur antioxidants slowly exfoliate your delicate features.

CARTOON: New Year's Steve

Your dream date has arrived. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.


Frankenstein's Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.

RottingStone Magazine

Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, 'Name That Tomb' with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!


Italian Wedding Night, Chicken and Humplings, Consummate, and more #SexySoups on this week's trending joke game!

Brainstorm For Dolly Parton’s Google Doodle

The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.

Renthouse Magazine

Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.


Ballspice, MS-G String, Sinnamon, and more #SexySeasonings on this week's trending joke game!

Queasyriders Magazine

Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!

How I Met Your Show Runner

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!

Tucker Carlson Rates Other Famous Mascots Based On Hotness

The Starbucks Mermaid: My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10

Six Snowmen Who Will Melt Your Heart and Then Themselves

Top hats and carrots? So 2017. This chill contrarian’s style is quirky and unique: he’s upended the concept of hats by wearing a vintage tea kettle! The yard-sale camera tells you he’s not just a snowman, he’s a snow artist– also he might do an occasional line of powder. This set of snowballs will take you to the hottest new spots in town, where he will soon become nothing but a puddle on their floor. 

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.


Yankenstein, Sleepy Swallow, An American Werewolf in Linda, and more #HornyHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

I’m Your Web Browser’s Private Mode And We Need To Talk

Why do I have to be reserved for the filth? For the dirty work? For scoping out past significant others or scouring social media accounts for details on future Hinge dates, or looking up the activities of current archrivals to ensure that they’re not more successful than you are? Or looking up things about QAnon? For your deep dives into pornography in the middle of the day while you “work from home”? For your shameful schadenfreude? Why do you save this spelunking for me?

Planet Earth’s Sexual Fantasies

Clean Water Fetish: My oceans are filthy and this is all about making me clean, baby. I’ll beg you to dip your hands inside me and pull out the pounds of plastic blocking sunlight to my deepest depths. Yes, yes! Clean me with your plastic and trash removal machines!

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal!

Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!


I've only got pies for you, I lost my pizza can I have yours? Wanna see my dough face? And more #PizzaPickUpLines on this week's #10 trending joke game!

Pandemic Looks for Fashion Week

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.


Humplings, Legs Benedict, Flirt Steak, and more #LustyLunches on this week's trending joke game!

I, An Instagram Influencer, Say This Luxury Garbage Bag Poncho Is 100% A Necessity And You Must Buy It

So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me.

Rejected Buzzfeed Questions

Between Zesty Blood Orange, Ginger Lime, Feisty Cherry Or Twisty Mango, Which New Diet Coke Flavor Would Be Your Stripper Name? And more!

CARTOON: Prohibited Produce

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.


Spongeworthy Squarepants, Parks and Procreation, Happy Lays, and more #SexySitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Five Christmas Song Characters You've Never Heard Of

JIGGLING JANA ("Jiggling Jana", 2004): The phrase "Give me a J-A-N-A, and jiggle, jiggle, jiggle all day" is repeated constantly in this poignant story of an NBA cheerleader who tries to provide comfort to players who have a game on the 25th and are missing their families. Released on the poor-selling album An Emo-Rap Yuletide.

Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

Pick-Up Lines To Use At A Trump Rally

"Hey good lookin', could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?"

Advice for Having A Sexy Tax Season

But as your relationship with taxes becomes increasingly intimate, you’ll learn that a tax season is as fickle as it is naughty. After you mail in your taxes you may never see that tax season again. I advise you to move on with your life.

Please Stand When You See Me In My American Flag Speedo At the Pool This Weekend Otherwise You are Disrespecting the Troops

So when I walk by you – whether on my way to the diving board to do another cannonball or on my way to the snack shack to get some Freedom fries – you will stand and respect the flag.

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

The Five Most Popular 19th Century ASMR Recordings

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Danielle Steel Chats With Guys On Hinge

[ALEXANDER liked DANIELLE’S photo, captioned “Sourdough-re-me.”] ALEXANDER: Was it light, fluffy, and soft to the touch? DANIELLE: Talk gluten to me, dammit!


SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!


Show Me Your Tetris, The Oregon Happy Trail, Assteroids, and more #VivaciousVideoGames on this week's joke game!

69ing to Herd Immunity

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started!


Master Baking, Morning Wood Working and Crotchet and more #hornyhobbies in our trending joke game!

We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy to Allow Us to Watch You in the Shower

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 


You’re Quite A Catch-22, Lord of the Bar Flies, Jurassic Spark and more #FlirtyBooks on this week's joke game!

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

CARTOON: Measured Excitement

Let's get deep. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.


'Hawaii: We're All Getting Lei'd!' 'California: Thongs and bongs.' 'Delaware came first', and more #SexyStateSlogans on this week's joke game!


Got to hand it to them. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.


Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

CARTOON: Costume Questions

The Future is Female Fun. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Welcome to the "Humpkin Patch," Connecticut's Only 18 And Over Pumpkin Patch

Risqué photo ops? We got ‘em! We know you dirty fall deviants love to stick your head in all kinds of holes. That’s why we’ve painted a series of erotic scenes for you to insert your face into. Do it for the ‘gram! But be warned: The scenes depicted violate several codes of conduct on all major social networks.

CARTOON: Seasonal Strip

Show your branches! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Gym Alternatives 

Drink so much coffee that your heart rate is the same as it would be if you ran 100 yards. That has the same effect on your body, right?


Horny Nut Cheerios, Bedded Wheat, Porn Flakes and more #SexyCereals on our weekly joke game!

New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16

There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.

Your Guide To The Hottest Halloween Parties!

Thomas' House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom's…

Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By...

Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry …

Aphrodisiacs That'll Get You Real Horned Up In No Time

Someone else’s leftovers Costco samples A lettuce leaf that…

Most Returned Christmas Gifts: 2017 Edition

Rapist! Harvey Weinstein's cologne for men (30% infused rose-water,…

8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…

Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…

Sports Illustrated: The Lesser Known Specialty Issues

Sure, you know the "Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition".…

5 Ways To Repurpose Aging Supermodels Into Minimalist Home Decor

As our runway models age, we ask ourselves, “What do I do with…

7 Reasons Why You’ll Regret Reading This Click Bait Article

1) You’ve been had! There’s no nudity here, pal. Why don’t…