A Day In The Life Of Sean Hannity

Wake up, take morning piss (mostly blood).

Make coffee while watching Fox & Friends. Destroy Keurig machine. Take cholesterol medication.

Do home workout; depending on day, either hurl furniture at walls, throw self down stairs, or rip tires off car, set them on fire and roll them into lesbian neighbors’ pool.

Make fresh smoothie with whatever’s lying around—usually a banana, handful of strawberries and cup of raw testosterone.

Whip current sitting president into paranoid frenzy on daily conference call. Multitask by online shopping for new furniture and/or tires.

Check that NYU acceptance letter is still burned and ashes are locked in safe inside bigger safe.

Listen to Rush Limbaugh while showering with the coal-heated water of seventy-two individual Poland Springs water bottles. Dump empties in lesbian neighbors’ pool.

Check weather. No matter what it is, put on full-body, bullet-proof armor under suit jacket that’s two sizes too small and pair of Champion sweatpants.

On way to studio, scour internet for sexual harassment/school shooting/hate crime survivors to slander and discredit.

Mobile deposit $500,000 weekly paycheck. While phone is out, tweet about hypocrisy of liberal elites.

Call lawyer to see if I’ve been indicted yet.

Prep for show. Check Gateway Pundit, Breitbart, Infowars, RT and DefinitelyRealNews.com for stories George Soros is bribing mainstream media to suppress. Compile CNN blooper reel.

Take dump (mostly blood).

Target practice in dressing room’s private shooting range. Choose target based on mood; either Obama, Lena Dunham or female Ghostbusters movie poster.

Get hair and makeup done. Try not to touch stylist or promise her airtime in exchange for sex. Carry hush money in case of emergency.

Do vocal exercises. Repeat “Many Murderous Mexican Migrants Make Much More Money than ‘Merican Men.” Stuff fist in mouth and scream at top of lungs.

Evening ping pong game with Tomi Lahren.

SHOWTIME: Mainline truth serum into minds of 3.3 million patriotic Americans who deserve to know how immigrants, blacks, Jews, women, trans people, Democrats, journalists, athletes, late-night hosts, musicians, universities, the FBI, Jeff Flake, Meryl Streep, rescue dogs and Delta are co-conspiring against them.

Between segments, text ironic dick pics to Geraldo/Seb Gorka WhatsApp group chat.

Take limo home to palatial Long Island estate. Berate Pakistani driver about stealing American chauffeuring jobs. Tune out when he mentions being from Ohio.

Pop open bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux, power up DVR and re-watch the night’s show over the phone with Trump. Tell each other blonde jokes during commercials.

Sign into Youtube as “Culture_$oldier_69” and leave graphic death threats in comments of Joe Scarborough videos.

Attempt to auto-fellate. End up jacking off to fantasy of Hillary Clinton being sodomized by MS-13 gang member.

Crawl into American flag race car bed. Dream that Pence dies and Trump makes me VP, then Trump has a heart attack and I become POTUS, swiftly ending democracy, eradicating the free (liberal) press and instituting a radical authoritarian regime for which I am the permanent and ultimate ruler.

Wake up with giant, throbbing hard on (all blood).

Crush another day.