Cupid Announces Retirement, Claims “Even I Can’t Fix These People”

OLYMPUS–In an exclusive interview with NBC, Cupid has announced that 2026 will be his final year manipulating human emotions.

​Since 700 BC, the winged deity has managed people’s romantic affairs. His archery skills are credited with the marriage of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the endurance of Hollywood power couple Zendaya and Tom Holland, and that couple you know who definitely shouldn’t be together.

“I’m burning the bow,” Cupid told reporters, looking visibly exhausted. “I survived the rise and fall of Rome and the rise of Tinder, but the modern celebrity circus has finally broken me.”

​Cupid cited the endless litigation of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard—and now the saga of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck—as the final straw.

“Some people argue they were incompatible,” Cupid said. “I argue I missed. I was aiming for a stray cat and hit them instead. That’s on me, but I’m done paying legal fees for it.”

​The deity denied liability for the couples’ troubles, noting that while he does not keep records of his arrows, he is certain he had nothing to do with those specific relationships. A judge has issued an injunction banning any further archery until the legal backlog is cleared.

​In his absence, love will be automated. Leaks suggest a new app, CupidAI, will launch in Q4. The algorithm, developed by Cupid and coded by a team in Beijing, promises to match partners based on shared streaming passwords and anxiety levels.

​The transition may face regulatory hurdles, however. President Trump has already threatened tariffs on the app, claiming the algorithm is a “Trojan Horse for China data collection.”

“I want to help cats find love,” Cupid stated when asked about his retirement plans. “They have better instincts than humans, anyway.”