A Memo from Cupid: Changes to Valentine Season

Dear Matchmaker:

 

Thanks for signing on to be an independent Cupid contractor–a Cupido–this Valentine’s season. After the year-that-shall-not-be-named, I know we’re all the more anxious to get back in the field and bring people within six feet of each other, so I’m thrilled to announce a couple of exciting changes here at Cupid Worldwide!

 

First, we’ve once again disrupted the Love Industry–this time, by revamping our cutting-edge arrows to include a wider range of effects on your targets:

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Swift CBD 

Good for use on people who are fresh out of “chill pills” and/or need to lower their expectations for 2021, this arrow causes your target to view the next person they look upon as a comforting, yet somehow inadequate substitute for “the one”.

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Tell-All Thiopental 

This truth serum-laced arrow is designed for use on people in new age political cults, specifically, domestic insurgents who idealize (or make) attempts to overthrow the government. Side effects may include regurgitation of fake news talking points (and swallowed food).

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Helium Hits

Cupid has a heart-on for helium–because it makes your target’s voice sound funny, and laughter is one of the few contagious things we need more of this year. Please note that the high-pitched effect is not wearing off as quickly as we would like. It also returns at random for approximately 3 to 6 months. R&D are working on this, and we expect this arrow to be available by Feb. 14.

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Collazac for Countenance

This innovative arrow delivers a double-dose of collagen and Prozac, designed to fix sad wrinkly faces that have persisted beyond 2020. Your target will be able to put on a happy face even living with the troubling news that The Masked Singer is now getting spin-offs.

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Jungle Drug

One of our most aggressive arrows is doused in Ayahuasca — which many of you know as the drug that people with more time and money on their hands than necessary travel to the rainforest to take so they can have an enlightened metaphysical experience while puking into a woven basket. Jungle Drug arrows induce deep introspection and allow targets to learn to love themselves again. (Batteries not included.)

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Cupid’s COVID-B-GONE

Due to Delay of CDC Approval of the use of our medical-grade arrows, we will NOT be able to administer any doses of the Covid vaccine, as previously announced. However, as essential workers, Cupidos can still get vaccinated at headquarters.

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Lil’ Bit of Love

A milder formula than our staple arrows of desire, erotic love, affection and attraction, use Lil’ Bit of Love on your common everyday targets. There has been increased demand for an arrow of this nature as we’ve received significant reports of a rise in all-around nastiness worldwide. To be effective, you must lodge the arrow directly between your subjects’ eyes. (Be prepared to administer first-aid in the event of a miss.)

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Also, we are excited to announce our first year of diverse Cupidos. Let your followers know by sharing #browncupidsmatter on your social media platforms. If you are a #browncupid, please refrain from carrying your quivers in public until we can get you registered with your local law enforcement (and alert the neighborhood Karens).

 

Finally, in addition to wings and blindfolds,  all Cupidos must wear masks until further notice. Love is in the air, but also, corona.

 

Affectionately yours,

 

C.