Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me


First off, gross.  People are going to think you’re a freak for writing this.  And why couldn’t you just name the monster Frankenstein? You know that’s going to confuse people.  And anyways, aren’t sexy monsters what people like now? This monster is not sexy. It won’t sell and I hate it.


Moby Dick

A whale?  You’re seriously writing about a whale?  You know this is because you couldn’t drop ten pounds last year and you’re projecting.  Your friends are going to read the first line of the book, get bored and quit, and then quote it back to you to make you feel better because you’re so pathetic.  Also, don’t you support animal rights? This book promotes killing wild animals. Donate more money to ASPCA. You’re a bad person.


The Great Gatsby

We get it!  You’re jealous of rich people.  Also, isn’t this really unoriginal?  Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada.  That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal.  Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.


The Scarlet Letter

You know who should wear a scarlet A on their chest?  You, only the A should stand for anticlimactic because I just couldn’t with this romance between Hester and Dimmesdale.  The plot is too depressing and no one is going to read it. The plot drags on, just like your miserable and meaningless life.  Mom will never have grandchildren because your future partner is going to read this and become infertile and leave you and you’re going to die alone.


The Bible

Maybe if you gave Jesus a happier ending people would actually read this thing.  Actually forget that no one is ever going to read anything you write because you suck.  There are parts that have way too much plot and parts that have none at all. Pick one. You bore me and everyone around you and this is why everyone hates you.  The most productive thing you could ever do with your pencil is stab yourself in the face.


One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

You know, with a title like that, you think you might write something interesting, but no.  It’s just a rhyming list. You actually believe kids will like this shit on a shingle? Only the ones that can’t read, and thought they were picking up something that’s actually interesting.  Your illustrations are derivative and bore me so much I want to smash my head through a window just to spice things up, which would be a good thing seeing as I’m you. Don’t you want to write based on real life, incorporating complex emotions and nuance?  There’s as much nuance in this as there are animals simply called “Blue Fish” in the ocean. This is why not even a chat bot will like your tweets. Quit now.