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Zillow Listings for Literary Properties

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).

CARTOON: Math Laugh

Banner Year. Today's cartoon by Phil Johnson.

CARTOON: Super Powers

The Amazing Literary Cinephile. Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

Literary Classics Reimagined for Flu Season by My Inner Sophomore

Moby-Drip, The Scratcher in the Eye, Breakfast at Sniffany’s, And more!

Classic, Respected Literature As Tasteless, Lowbrow Poop Jokes

The Great Shatsby (by F Scott Shitzgerland), To Kill a Mockingturd, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and more!

Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature

Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what's needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

CARTOON: Bird Words

Baby booked. Today's cartoon by Mira Scharf.

Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers

Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.

Talkward w/ guest Mike Sacks

Humor writer raconteur Mike Sacks stops by Talkward to chat about "Welcome to Woodmont College" , his parody of a college catalog co-written with Jason Roeder. It was named one of the best comedy books of the year by New York Magazine's Vulture and you should buy it today! We also discuss the wonders of Maryland, 90s nostalgia, and how he makes things happen for himself in the comedy world.

CARTOON: Literate Love

Get between some (book) covers. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Talkward w/ guest Amy Fusselman

This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel 'The Means' which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com

Talkward w/ guest Gary Almeter

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and author Gary Almeter! Gary's new humor book 'The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook' explores the question: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who do you pick? How do you choose? And how can it all go terribly wrong? It's very funny and you should buy it right now! https://bit.ly/dreamdinnerparty

How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps

1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday...

Things People Say to Writers Translated

"You wrote a book! How exciting!" (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )

BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot....Read the full 1st chapter from the new book THE CARYLYES. Out now!

For Dummies By Dummies

That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®.  In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!

EXCERPT: The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)

Basically, a baby name book but the babies were replaced by kittens. There are over 100,000 names…with about a 1,000 included in this book. The following is a sampling, in topics: Cats That Refuse To Use Litter Box: Surprises, U Kitten Me, Scat Cat. Porn Names For Cats: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang. Deep Coat, and more. Makes a purrrfect gift.

What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

Famous Hemingway Quotes in Context

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

CARTOON: Where The Crawdads Sing

Didn't read it but this movie looks great! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: FloriDUH Math

Never adds up. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

BOOK EXCERPT: Eating Salad Drunk

You can always tell / Who went to Catholic school / They are atheists. —MIKE BIRBIGLIA This and more haikus from comedy greats in the new book 'Eating Salad Drunk' compiled by Gabe Henry with illustrations by Emily Flake!

Here’s Why We Have Privatized Our Little Free Library

No more waiting weeks to get your hands on a secondhand copy of “The Kite Runner” with the cover ripped off. For a small fee of just $7.99 a month, or $76.70 annually (a 20% discount!), you get full access to the Myerson’s entire catalog! And if a book you want isn’t available, well, just pick another one. Don’t be a jerk about it, ok? “The Alchemist” is good, so read that.

How Romeo and Juliet Would Have Ended if Written By Children's Authors

Judy Blume- JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide.

Talkward w/ guest Haley McGee

This episode's guest is author and comedy performer Haley McGee! We have a wonderful chat about dating and the value of the gifts from an ex. Her new book, 'The Ex-Boyfriend Yard Sale' is out now. Check it out! http://www.haleymcgee.ca

Top Humor Books Gift Guide 2021

Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Ellis Rosen

This week The Cartoon Pad has on the new Gag Cartoonist of the Year winner as recently selected by the National Cartoonist Society, Ellis Rosen. Ellis is a wonderfully talented New Yorker cartoonist, and his new book, with Jon Adams, 'Send Help' A collection of marooned cartoons, is available now.

Children’s Book Ideas For Bored, Out-Of-Touch Celebrities

Little House on the Canaries, Martha Speaks to the Manager, The Very Hungry IRS, and more!

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

#BookAFruit

War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week's trending joke game!

How to Deal With Rejection Like a Professional

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

CARTOON: Hear This!

Also may I have the whole can of soda? Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

#HorrorCandy

Demonheads, Tootsie Trolls, Mummy Bears, and more #HorrorCandy on this week's trending joke game! We hit #7 in the US trends list! (That's really good!)

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Ron Barrett

This week's guest, Ron Barrett is at the top of the children’s book mountain and one of the most accomplished cartoonists in the business. He has done 26 books for children and adults and appears regularly in the New York Times. His 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs' has been selected one of the NY Times Ten Best Illustrated Books and sold over six million copies and was made into two motion pictures. His wonderful illustrations can be seen in the new book, 'The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults' by Melissa Balmain, available now.

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

#BookARomCom

Fun with Dick and Jane Eyre, 50 First Grapes of Wrath, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Groundhog Day, and more #BookARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

Talkward w/ guests Kit Lively & David DeGrand

This episode of Talkward welcomes cartoon comedy duo Kit Lively and David DeGrand. They have a new book out called 'Twisted Tongues: Jokes, Comics, Facts, and Tongue Twisters' We discuss their years working together for MAD Magazine and David's recent gig designing the animated show 'Death Hacks'.

Ramona Quimby, Age 48

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

CARTOON: DIY

First lesson free. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

#BarfyBooks

The Great Gagsby, Brave New Hurl, Stephen King’s VomIT, and more #BarfyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Children’s Books in the Time of COVID

Charlotte’s Web of Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories, How to Train Your Dragon to Eat Anti-Maskers, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Less Interested in Eating Since Losing His Sense of Smell, and more.

BOOK EXCERPT: Slouchers: The Novelization

But Wes is a Gen X’er.   And Gen X’ers take matters into their own hands! The term “Gen X” was coined in 1991 by writer and “Baby Boomer” Douglas Coupland.   “Baby Boomer” is another important sociological term, this one coined years ago by a writer from the “Greatest Generation.”   Before that, no generations—at least with any marketable names—ever existed.   That’s just the way it was.  

Literary Quotations, Revised to Explain the Very Good Decision to Take a Pandemic RV Trip

Charles Dickens — A Tale of Two Cities “It was the best of times, it was easily the worst of times, it was the age of meager research, it was the age of what else is there to do though, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the summerfallwinterspringsummerfallwinterspringsummerfall of despair.”

Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump's Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast

Upon reading the news, in the East Chipping Gazette, that US President Donald Trump refused to concede the election – which he lost handily to Joseph R. Biden Jr in both the electoral and popular vote – British murder mystery ingenue Daphne Hammond closed the paper and asked Griselda to bring in a second poached egg, and sugar for the tea.

#CelebABook

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Cho, LeBron James and the Giant Peach, The Ceelo Green Mile, and more #CelebABook on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Book Launch 2020

Step way back and check out our new releases!

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw

This episode of Talkward welcomes the non-stop comedy cartoon duo Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw! The both are long-time famous cartoonists and writers who have been featured in The New Yorker, New York Times, among many others. They have a new book out, THE ELEMENTS OF STRESS and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm! It aims to help de-stress our currently very stressful world. It's very funny, and guaranteed to relax you, even if you have to roll it up and smoke it.

#NauseatingNovels

The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke game!

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

Excerpt From 'Passable in Pink' The Novelization

The opening chords for the classic Beatles version of “Twist and Shout” could not be heard but Grimer began to sing along anyway, swaying and sashaying, all cute and delightful, motioning to the hundreds of businessmen glancing out their high rise office windows, including a certain advertising copywriter who did a doubletake when he saw a girl who looked exactly like his daughter, which was all but impossible, as she was still in school, she never skipped!

Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick

Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)

Beloved Children’s Classics That Will Trigger Your Crippling Anxiety

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia. 

The Overlook Hotel’s Safety Measures for Reopening Now That We Know the Hotel Is a Sentient Being That’s out for Blood.

While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us. 

The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

#StinkyBooks

The Fart Of The Deal, The Smell Jar, A Tree Grows in Jersey, and more #StinkyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

Buy My Book, It Will Protect You from the Coronavirus, Says Author Whose Public Appearances Have All Been Canceled

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything.

Who Really Solves a Majority of Murders?

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! As a Single Woman on Group Trips

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

#FlirtyBooks

You’re Quite A Catch-22, Lord of the Bar Flies, Jurassic Spark and more #FlirtyBooks on this week's joke game!

The Life of an Ellipsis...

..., [...] ..* and more!

Talkward w/ guest James Folta

This spooky Halloween episode of Talkward welcomes humor writer and performer James Folta! James writes for The New Yorker, McSweeney's , Weekly Humorist and is the Managing Editor of Points In Case. James also is a co-founder of The Satire and Humor Festival which is in NYC in March but just announced a pop-up weekend in Chicago in November! Check it out here and go! We discuss Halloween costumes, writing, book publishing and James' current projects in writing and pitching new narrative humor podcasts.  Also, who knew how bad at math we both are! Jokes! James also teaches humor and parody. Follow him on twitter @JamesFolta and we'll see you at the festival!

Whimsical, Feel-Good Alternatives to Some Stephen King Classics

Carry: Blanch is not a popular girl. See, Blanch has an imaginary friend she talks to whenever the impulse takes her: a pet rock she calls Carry.

Awkward Interactions Explained by a Guy Who's Read Famous Author Malcolm Gladwell's Books Too Much

So it turns out I thought I had hit mute but accidentally did not. My boss says "Gerald are you okay? We can hear you breathing on the line.". I begin to breathe heavier because famous author Malcolm Gladwell talks about the importance of meditation. I really hope famous author Malcolm Gladwell would be proud of me.

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn and Robert Leighton

This very special episode of Talkward welcomes cartoonists Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn, and Robert Leighton! Full house! They stopped by the studio after going by The New Yorker to submit some cartoons. We discuss the joke writing process, appearances on old game shows, and we dissect the reasons why some of Steve's cartoons got rejected very, very quickly. We also chat about Bob Eckstein's new book, "Everyone's A Critic- The Ultimate Cartoon Book" which is on sale now and you should go buy it right now!

CARTOON: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Memoir

It's a real page burner. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

Bachelor In Paradise Lost

I'm your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost!  Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we're the real Temptation Island!

Talkward w/ guest Mike Sacks

This episode of Talkward welcomes the very talented comedy author Mike Sacks! We discuss comedy, his journey and how people keep mistaking him for Jon Hamm.

#CheesyLiterature

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

Pop Quiz: Vladimir Nabokov’s ‘Lolita’ or Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’

And the rest is rust and stardust./ Maybe it’s all part of a plan, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes hoping that you’ll understand. Creepy Book or Pop Song?

The Best Spots in New York to Get A Little Quiet Writing Done

Onstage at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre: Do you have the old play-based creativity-inclusive content bug? Scratch that itch by standing onstage at the Al Hirschfeld during a performance of Kinky Boots and type away.

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis

Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.

CARTOON: NEW KIDS BOOK! 'All My Friends Are Indicted' by Donald J. Trump

If you are a fan of the bestselling "All My Friends Are Dead" series of books then you'll want to pick up this new book hot off the presses!

Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville's Moby Dick

The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville's Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables.

CARTOON: Black Mirror - Choose Your Own Adventure!

What incredible path will you choose!? Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me

The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.

Quiz: Literary Journal or Comic Book Villain

Ploughshares, Prometheus, Glimmer Train, Zyzzyva and more.

Literary Tropes That We, the Artificial Intelligence-run Publishing House of the Future, Are No Longer Interested In

Romance novels in which a doomed love affair ends with both sentient…

What Your Favorite Writer Says About You

Find out what your taste in authors says about you as a person. And yes, this is definitive.

#BadSummerBooks

We're putting together a summer reading list so we can go on…

Reading 10,000 Books a Year is Easy—Just Do What I Do!

Listen to audiobooks to mix it up Audiobooks are the best! They’re…

The Weekly Humorist Bookshelf

Listen to this article.   What are we reading…

More Surprising Revelations From Michael Wolff's Fire And Fury

Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive…

Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…

Budget Cut Reading List

Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…