Entries by Rachel Keller


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Fad Diets To Try In The New Year

The New Paleo Diet: Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.

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I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

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I’ll Let the Hostages Go When You Agree to a Sky High Sequel

Can you imagine my pain of not living in a Sky High oriented world for so long? The rejection from society turning me into a Sky High pariah? My friends don’t even remember the name of the villain (it’s Gwen).

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Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me

The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.

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I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?…three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

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New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests

Here’s a photo of your family. Click on the people you no longer talk to. Then click on the people who have asked to borrow money.

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Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes the country of croissants and berets that much more tantalizing for the average American living in Trump’s dystopia.  Unfortunately, because the US education system is the way it is, many might struggle in their quest to find a new home in Macron’s France.  So I thought […]