The Twitter Diet
Check Twitter so often you get sad and lose your appetite.
The Real Fake Foods Diet
Only eat those plastic fruits that they sell as decoration at art stores
The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Diet
Every time you eat something you shouldn’t, you have to listen to the song “Cheer Up, Charlie”.
The Feline Diet
Eat Meow Mix and become very, very sullen. The superiority complex should come naturally.
The Romantic Comedy Diet
Eat an insane amount of cupcakes from that store you own and still be thin. It’s magic!
The “Rhymes With Orange” Diet
Only eat things that rhyme with the word orange (door hinge?)
The Freaky Friday Diet
Eat whatever your daughter or mother would eat and learn the meaning of being yourself.
The ‘90s Kid Diet
Eat lunchables and Kool-Aid and don’t care that you’re gaining weight because of all the damn nostalgia.
The End of a Medicine Commercial Diet
Do everything the actors in medicine commercials are seen doing while side effects are listed. Thoughts of suicide and bloating are common.
The Oregon Trail Diet
Make your way by horse drawn carriage to the West Coast and lose all your weight by contracting dysentery.
The Network Television Is Really Grasping for Straws With Their New Singing Competition Diet
Eat while you sing in front of a panel of judges and a live studio audience on I don’t know, Fox?
The Rude Co-Worker Diet
Eat whatever your co-workers bring in for lunch. Tell Janice she didn’t write her name on her Tupperware of fried rice, so maybe it’s her fault.
The New Paleo Diet
Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.
Only eat foods you’re comfortable with Cambridge Analytica knowing you ate.
The Self Help Book Section of Barnes and Noble Diet
Combine whatever diet techniques you saw after that shelf of self help books fell on you at Barnes and Noble.
The Christmas Miracle Diet
Eat a Christmas dinner every night until no one joins you and then become jaded and eat nothing but flavorless strips of chicken. The neighborhood kid convinces you that people do love you in time for actual Christmas and you gain all the weight back to become the town’s mall Santa.
The Ikea Diet
Only eat Swedish meat balls with an Allen Wrench.
The Photoshop Diet
Eat whatever you want and Photoshop yourself in every post so you get that hollow feeling of progress when people say you’re looking great in the comments section.
The Harry Potter Diet
Eat whatever the hell a treacle tart is. Puke it up on one of those rides at Universal.
The 2020 Campaign Diet
Tweet about how your diet is the best diet and all other diets are dumb. Promise to the public that your diet will make you look thinner and hotter and will cut taxes.
- About the Author
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Rachel Keller is a New Jersey based writer and student at NYU Gallatin School of Individualized Study. She has studied improv and sketch at the Upright Citizens Brigade. You can find a piece of her hair onscreen in the season finale of Madame Secretary.