Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson’s ‘Pulp Fiction’ Character Jules Winnfield

Get the fuck up.

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Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?

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You can make your own damn coffee at home for what? 50 cents a cup? Get the fuck outta Starbucks.

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I see we on track with some nice greens and protein for lunch today, you gonna have the healthiest bowel movement this city’s ever seen!

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Put some damned money in your savings account.

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Do a squat, bitch. You’ve got five minutes before picking up the kids.

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Get moving. You’re in a funk, and not the funky kind of funk, the depressed as shit kinda funk.

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Some weed might help actually, get on that.

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Don’t you dare try to change your settings motherfucker I will zap you! These things can do that now.

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You went for a run! That’s right, you a smart motherfucker who takes care of business!

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That dinner ain’t gonna cook itself! Feed your family, bitch!

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I’ve taken the liberty of starting your vehicle so get yo ass in the car and get to the gym. Oh I’m sorry you weren’t ready to go? Tough shit!

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You went over your daily calories again. Am I a joke to you? Fuck you!

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Take out the trash bitch, it’s Monday night! Where is your head at??

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It’s time to wind down for bed, give your partner a kiss, or maybe go ahead and bone each other.

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You a hardworking bitch who deserves a break, soak in them bubbles as long as you want.

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Get the fuck to bed, we’ve been over this.

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