Now that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is growing to a size two times larger than the size of Texas, the vacation timeshare opportunities are ripe for the picking! So pack your bags – plastic, not paper – and get ready for the vacation of a used plastic bottle lifetime! (That’s over 500 years!)
Mottled Coral Vacation Villas
Here at Trash Isle Vacation Rentals, we’ve perfected the formula for your ideal summer getaway: relaxing, adventurous—and entirely filled with trash. Our newest property, Mottled Coral Vacation Villas, is the perfect destination for the busy couple looking for an unforgettable week of sun, surf and piles of dead and dying marine life. Sound romantic? It’s true: Mottled Coral Vacation Villas is for lovers. Each villa includes an upscale lanai, allowing guests to watch the sunset as it gleams over the slick feathers of bloated bird corpses.
Pirouetting Plastic Bag Peninsula
As demand grows, many hot vacation destinations are becoming oversaturated with high-rise condos and spring breakers. Lucky for us, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch just keeps growing—it’s currently more than twice the size of the state of Texas—which means total privacy for you and your family. Forgot your sunscreen? Simply cover your bare skin with one of the thousands of plastic shopping bags littering this peninsula!
Discarded Cigarette del Mar Resort & Spa
This luxurious resort is adjacent to a cutting-edge self-service spa facility. Just comb your way through the treacherous pile of Gold Peak Sweet Tea six-pack rings, scoop some wilted sand dollars out of the rubbish and allow their slimy, lifeless bodies to restore your youthful complexion. Need a little extra self-care? Slip into the community Jacuzzi, which is filled with a swirling, churning pile of microplastics.
Cadaverous Crustacean Cove
Dockside fun, anyone? All Cadaverous Crustacean Cove rentals are located directly on a private dock constructed with old, partially-shattered Legos. Rent a boat from Salty, our haggard resident docksman, or linger on the dock for a picnic surrounded by the putrid stench of garbage. Don’t forget to check out the mini golf course!
Captain Consumerist’s Family-Friendly Beach Club
Ready to make some memories? Our all-inclusive beach club is perfectly poised to become your home away from home—childcare included. Just send the kids to the shore to comb their way through hundreds of scrapped floppy discs while you and your sweetie enjoy some alone time. With 80,000 metric tons of garbage to sort through, they’ll be occupied for a while. We guarantee that the kiddos will want to return year after year—at least, until mankind’s impending demise brought on by our own wastefulness!
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Lillian Stone is a midwest-based journalist, bitter satirist and Boston Terrier wrangler. Her writing can be found in McSweeney’s and several midwestern lifestyle publications. Follow Lillian on Twitter at @originalspinstr