Entries by Lillian Stone


Fun Facts That Were Cut From the Olympics Opening Ceremony

After this year’s ceremony, spectators under the age of 12 are invited to explore the Olympic Hedge Maze, a dark, dank, miles-long labyrinth where they’ll be held against their will in an attempt to limit the spread of the novel coronavirus. This is the only public health measure we could think of.

Best of 2020

The Calm App Presents: Shark Week

Why Shark Week? We’ve long admired these powerful predators, which, through centuries of optimization and mindfulness, have evolved into single-minded masses of sinew and cartilage with one goal: to destroy. In this way, sharks exemplify the Calm manifesto. Also, as the alpha predator of the sea with near-nothing to worry about, what’s calmer than a shark?


Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.


I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.


Republicans to Physically Flip When Your State Flips Republican

Your Coworker

Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.


Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results

IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to take a moment or two for some soul-searchin’! That’s why I took a brief break from moisturizing my “Kulinary Gangster” tattoo to peer deep into my psyche with the help of the popular Enneagram personality test, brutha! I gotta tell ya, I heard about the […]


Great Pacific Garbage Patch Timeshare Opportunities

Now that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is growing to a size two times larger than the size of Texas, the vacation timeshare opportunities are ripe for the picking! So pack your bags – plastic, not paper – and get ready for the vacation of a used plastic bottle lifetime! (That’s over 500 years!) Mottled Coral Vacation Villas […]


An Open Letter to my 5K Training App

Dear 5K Training App, I feel guilty about the way I handled things. I do. I’d give anything to go back to those blissful first days of the new year—the honeymoon period, if you will—when we sailed along, steadfast in our mutual commitment to a physical transformation not unlike that of Eddie Murphy’s character in […]


An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine’s Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s been 337 days since you cast me down into the basement and sandwiched me between your boiler and these wooden crates of old Saddle Club novels. If I’m being honest, I’m worried about you. Exactly 365 days ago—Valentine’s Day 2017—I came into your life. I […]


Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde

“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas” I’ve been sitting on the runway at O’Hare for the past three hours, so don’t wait up. “Away In A Manger” Our room at the inn got double-booked due to a clerical error, so my wife was forced to give birth in this barn. “Deck the […]