News Briefs

Man Stretches Out In Gym – Against His Will

CHARLESTON, West Virginia — Ralph Swane went to his gym expecting to get stretched out, but he got a lot more stretching than he bargained for.
Swane had been working out with personal trainer Rick Graden for the last few months, and Graden had been starting each work-out with vigorous stretching, but this last one seemed to go way beyond that.
Swane describes being strapped onto a machine similar to a rack used in The Middle Ages to torture prisoners, with metal cuffs on his arms and legs, while Graden slowly turned a wheel that stretched and elongated Swane’s entire body.
Swane claims he heard his joints popping, and that he screamed for Graden to stop, but Graden encouraged him to “ try and go beyond the pain.”
“He just kept telling me ‘no pain, no gain, … no pain, no gain’, and I was embarrassed to continue screaming because of all the pretty girls working our around me, so I just bit down on the ball and leather strap he put in my mouth.”
Graden’s account is much different. “ He really seemed to enjoy the stretching on our new “Torquemada Stretch Machine”, because he was always complaining that he never had enough flexibility. He has much more flexibility now, so I don’t know what he’s complaining about.”
Swane continued, “After the stretching, I felt too weak to actually work out, so I went back to my locker to get dressed, and none of my clothing fit.”
“ I went to put on my pants, and they were like highwater pants, about 6 inches too short. My shirt was so short, it exposed my whole midriff. I felt like Brittany Spears. I thought I had somebody else’s clothing on.”
Swane said the added benefit of growing 6 inches, and going from 5’7” to 6’ 1” so rapidly is eclipsed by the elongated shape of his body.
“ It just doesn’t look natural” he said. “I look like a tube of toothpaste that was squeezed in the middle instead of at the bottom. I have a very strange shape now. ”
Swane may not like it, but the head of the University of West Virginia Medical School’s growth and development department is interested in talking to Graden about joining their staff to aid them in their studies on increasing growth in adults.