CHARLESTON, West Virginia — Ralph Swane went to his gym expecting to get stretched out, but he got a lot more stretching than he bargained for.
Swane had been working out with personal trainer Rick Graden for the last few months, and Graden had been starting each work-out with vigorous stretching, but this last one seemed to go way beyond that.
Swane describes being strapped onto a machine similar to a rack used in The Middle Ages to torture prisoners, with metal cuffs on his arms and legs, while Graden slowly turned a wheel that stretched and elongated Swane’s entire body.
Swane claims he heard his joints popping, and that he screamed for Graden to stop, but Graden encouraged him to “ try and go beyond the pain.”
“He just kept telling me ‘no pain, no gain, … no pain, no gain’, and I was embarrassed to continue screaming because of all the pretty girls working our around me, so I just bit down on the ball and leather strap he put in my mouth.”
Graden’s account is much different. “ He really seemed to enjoy the stretching on our new “Torquemada Stretch Machine”, because he was always complaining that he never had enough flexibility. He has much more flexibility now, so I don’t know what he’s complaining about.”
Swane continued, “After the stretching, I felt too weak to actually work out, so I went back to my locker to get dressed, and none of my clothing fit.”
“ I went to put on my pants, and they were like highwater pants, about 6 inches too short. My shirt was so short, it exposed my whole midriff. I felt like Brittany Spears. I thought I had somebody else’s clothing on.”
Swane said the added benefit of growing 6 inches, and going from 5’7” to 6’ 1” so rapidly is eclipsed by the elongated shape of his body.
“ It just doesn’t look natural” he said. “I look like a tube of toothpaste that was squeezed in the middle instead of at the bottom. I have a very strange shape now. ”
Swane may not like it, but the head of the University of West Virginia Medical School’s growth and development department is interested in talking to Graden about joining their staff to aid them in their studies on increasing growth in adults.
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Jeffrey’s a comic and comedy writer who’s written for comedy legends such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, George Wallace, Phil Hartman, Richard Belzer, and Andrew “Dice” Clay, among many others. Jeffrey has performed stand-up at most of the big clubs in NY and L.A. and is known for being a regular on-air personality on Sirius XM’s Bennington Show. He writes a weekly column covering the comedy scene for The Interrobang called “Jumping Around with Jeffrey Gurian”, and has also written for MTV, National Lampoon, and many Friars Roasts. His Comedy Matters TV channel boasts over 450 video interviews with A-listers like Jimmy Fallon, Jim Carrey, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and even women NOT named Amy. His crowning achievement was getting his own column in the legendary Weekly World News called “ Gurian’s World of the Bizarre” which led to the creation of GNN (Gurian News Network) bringing you the most unusual stories in The Universe, missed by mainstream media.