Halloween Monsters’ Stand-up Comedy

Dracula – My ex and I had different views on religion. She wanted me to go to church, but I said, “Over my dead body!” She accused me of always breathing down her neck and said that being in a relationship with me was too draining. It feels like she drove a stake through my heart. Wait, she actually did try to drive a stake through my heart.

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The Mummy – It’s difficult for me to make friends. People say I’m too self-absorbed. Too wrapped-up in myself. I think it’s a generational thing. When I don’t understand their slang or pop culture references, they call me ancient. I only seem to attract people with “Mummy” issues.

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Ghost – My partner doesn’t like the way I communicate. They said I’m too transparent. It’s got me second guessing everything I think of sharing. Now I don’t even say boo. It’s probably not going to work out. They’re not really my type. I like plus-sized women, but the only people who will talk to me are mediums.

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Witch – I get teased a lot by my coworkers. On my very first day someone said, “The Kentucky Derby called, they want their ugly hat back!” It wasn’t long before they started referring to me as “the office cat lady.” Handing in my reports, there’s always someone who’ll ask if I remembered to use “spell-check.” When the manager assigned regions, I got Wichita and Salem. Salem, Massachusetts, Salem, Oregon, and Salem, Ohio. I felt very targeted. I just want to be accepted for who I am, warts and all.

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Frankenstein’s Monster – I have hard time find date. Town people not nice. Say I “monster.” I try speed date in big city. People leave comment on card like, “He seem awkward, too stiff and uptight,” “He not have head screwed on right,” and “He seem dead inside.”

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Werewolf – I recently got fired from my job as a chef. Apparently, customers were finding too many hairs in their food. It’s not my fault they don’t make full-body hairnets! I mean, I’m a werewolf. Throw me a friggin’ bone here. Seriously, I’m looking for someone who will throw a bone for me.

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Zombie – My boyfriend left me. Without him, I feel like I’m mindlessly shuffling through life. He wasn’t much to look at, but he was really smart. When I asked why he was breaking up with me, he said I was only with him for his brains.

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Headless Horseman – Growing up, I was a really forgetful kid. My mom always joked that I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my body and, boy, was she ever right about that!

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Grim Reaper – My partner dumped me because they didn’t like the way I dress; they accused me of cloaking my emotions. I was only with them for one soul reason and now they’re dead to me. Well, dead to everyone.

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Creature from the Black Lagoon – It feels good to be out doing something. I’ve been so busy at work I haven’t had time to do anything. My schedule has been packed to the gills. I mean, I’ve been completely swamped.

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Skeleton – I’m looking for someone to grow old with. Well, someone with whom I can grow older. I think my ideal match would be a real estate agent or a contractor. Someone who can appreciate that I’m a lot like an older home. I may need some cosmetic work, but I’ve got good bones. Unfortunately, it seems that people are only interested in carbon dating me.