I Joined Costco to Find a Husband, and All I Got Were These Amazing Deals

The internet told me Costco is the best way to find a husband, and who am I to argue with a random Instagram post from @why_are_you_still_single_stupid? So, I deleted Hinge, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, and Match from my iPhone, iPad, and MacBook Air.

 

Free samples of margherita pizza and the man of my dreams? It’s a win-win.

 

I even told myself I should buy an Executive membership because I thought, “Price is no object when you’re on the prowl for a quality man.”

 

But where are the eligible bach—oh yes,  I will try a sample of these Kirkland Signature Milk Chocolate Raisins, thirty-something sir with the dark hair, blue eyes, and no wedding ring. They are quite delicious. What’s the price point on these? Wow, $22.69 for 54 ounces. Incredible!

 

I searched the first three food aisles and the alcohol section and came up empty-handed. The disappointment. The outrage. The—holy shit, is that the smoothest French vodka I’ve ever tasted in my life? 40% ABV and 25% off?

 

Anyway, someday, my Costco prince and I could get married right in aisle 7, between the Boursin and the Sabra Hummus. Costco will give us free products and sponsorships for the rest of our lives. We’ll never have to break the bank for a fancy dinner at Olive Garden ever again! We will frolic—oh goddamn, this organic, raw kombucha is ripe. Don’t mind if I do, 6-foot-3 man with the winsome smile. Only $15.20 for 16 fl oz, 8-count?

 

Wait, this was supposed to be my happily Costco-ever-after story. We would heat up some ready-to-go Kirkland Signature Chicken Alfredo With Penne Pasta ($12.65—what a steal) and hold hands by the fire, sipping our Kirkland Signature Wine Margarita Cocktails ($8.99 for 1.5-liter bottle!), while our little tabby Costcokins curls up in our laps after finishing his dinner of Kirkland Signature Super Premium Maintenance Cat Chicken & Rice Formula ($27.00). And we would light our Kirkland’s Home Autumn Trees Embossed 2-Wick Jar Candle ($5.00, previously $17.00)—OMG I’ve been looking for a decent air fryer! 50% off??? No, Tall, Dark, and Handsome, I do NOT need help reaching that shelf. Hell-ooo, date night with my dog Hingesicle and low-fat sweet potato fries!

 

Anyhow, we would name our Costco-sponsored baby Cost-ipher or Costcophelia and get a lifetime supply of Kirkland ProCare Infant Formula and Kirkland Signature Diapers, and then when they started talking, their first word would be “wholesale.”

 

But it’s all for naught. Instead, I only saved $3,567.82 and found some killer new products to complete my pantry.

 

What’s a girl gotta do to find a decent man? Trader Joe seems like a serial ghoster, and I am not into BJ’s. I guess I’ll just have to start frequenting Discount Tire now (and buy a car).