This is a Public Service Announcement, a formal letter of complaint from one “internet troll” on behalf of all “internet trolls.” Our grievances are as follows:
1) The title is demeaning: “troll.” Can we come up with something more imaginative? I prefer “internet curator.” Much like art curators, we’re social media connoisseurs. Troll denotes withering wretches and that we are not. We’re passionate, real (not bots), spending hours perfecting negs, commenting on comments. Commenting on comments… that’s what we do! It rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
2) “Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the internet. We nudge people to their senses. For example, no one’s said to these amateur TikTok bakers: Honey, put down the frosting! They clearly have unresolved trauma that making a tree on a cake won’t fix.
3) A lot of people think “roasting” someone is heartless, but we empathize with those we “troll.” We spend hours getting into their psyche: What were they thinking when they posted this? Before leaving a roast on a post, we dedicate days to internet stalking our subjects on multiple platforms, finding what makes them tick before ticking them off. Of course, it’s done in love, our only goal is to provide an alternate perspective if you will. This is off the record, something I’ve personally never told anyone before: sometimes I toss and turn at night, wondering if my roast was the perfect neg. But you can’t delete a comment on someone’s post. Then, you’ll look like a wimp. That’s the one and only rule of roasting: no take backs.
4) We, “internet trolls,” are teachers. Yes, the adage is true: those who can’t do, teach. Most of us have messy lives: we’re unemployed, living in our parents’ subterranean dwellings, confined to the internet because we’ve abandoned our dreams. That’s why we’re so great at trolling! We have all the time in the world to perfect this craft, to comment on comments. “Trolling” has become our obsession, our outlet, a reason to live. It’s poetic if you think about it!
5) You know, some of us have diverted. There’s a few who lost their marbles, totally cracked, and now only post positive comments. They now exclusively compliment people all day. It’s just a tragedy! Yes, there are secret Reddit threads where trolls confide in each other and conspire. We mourn together on those threads when we lose a member of the “trolling” community.
So, revere the “teachers,” the “internet trolls,” typing from dark dingy quarters, living in obscurity, dedicating their lives to commenting on your posts!