I May be a Leftist Activist, But I Definitely Didn’t Take a Shit in the Lincoln Reflecting Pool

“With increase in vandalism by leftist activists, the fencing is going up earlier than originally planned to ensure no more damage is done to this historic site,” – Katie Martin, White House spokeswoman

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On behalf of all the leftist activists out there, I just want to clear up a misconception this current administration might have about us. We may be a lot of things—leftists, activists, one-time Bernie Sanders campaign donors—but we are not the kind of people that would take a shit in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

 

Look, I know that nobody has come out directly to accuse us of such a disgusting act, but given certain pressures about us being “vandals”, I feel as though we should get ahead of this before someone metaphorically or literally steps in it. We don’t know what kinds of chemicals Jeanne Piro thinks caused the pool’s algae bloom, but we’d like to rule out human waste right now.

 

Taking a dump in a heavily trafficked body of water just isn’t our thing anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I personally think the “doodie in the pool” scene from 1980’s seminal classic “Caddyshack” is hilarious, but our collective activism really isn’t fecal related at all. We protest things, with some occasional defacement of property here and there. (Did you hear about someone shaping the numbers “86 47” into a patch of grass near the National Mall? Oh yeah, that was us.) Caca however, is where we draw the line.

 

I mean, even if taking a shit in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool were on the table, the place is crawling with security. We couldn’t legally do such a dangerous and thrilling thing, even if we do fantasize about it on a regular basis. Not to mention they’re putting up a chain link fence around the perimeter, and who could scale a twenty-foot fence if they really had to drop a deuce? Sure I have the willpower, but I just don’t trust myself with the sphincter strength that would be needed.

 

There are all kinds of protestors out there, and of course there’ve been poop protesters before—which as leftist activists, we whole heartedly support!– But I could never go so far as to peel down the elastic band of my Kirkland brand sweatpants while seated casually at the edge of the water. I could never act as though I were posing for a cheeky photo to use on my Tinder profile, and drop a big, hot steamer in the very expensive, very American, Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. My activism is much quieter than that, like refusing to shop at Target, or never letting Teslas merge in front of me.

 

And even if I did take a shit in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool—which I definitely didn’t—they’re going to be draining the thing soon anyway. Could you imagine, doing all that hard work drinking nothing but black coffee for twenty-four hours and visiting six different Taco Bells in the DC area (so as not to rouse suspicion), only to have your most profound and satisfying act of protest be literally flushed away? I wouldn’t be a very good agitator if that were the case, and I’d probably have my ANTIFA card taken away from me as a result.

 

As an unofficial representative for all of us, I truly hope this clears things up for leftist activists everywhere, and acts as a sort of Craporandum of Understanding that plainly states that unless we had no other option or had suddenly been transformed into politically conscious ducks, we would never move our bowels anywhere near the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting pool.

 

Now, with that out of the way, could you kindly direct me to the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial waterfall? I have unrelated business there to attend to.