Thank You for Attending America. The Event Has Concluded

The America 250 Celebration Committee announced today that the 250th anniversary of the United States of America officially ended at 11:59 p.m. on July 4th, at which time the nation was asked to return its folding chairs.

We thank you for your participation.

We noted your participation was mandatory in the sense that you lived here.
After a comprehensive review of the weekend’s events, the Committee would like to issue the following closing remarks:

The fireworks were loud. We heard from several of you about the fireworks. We also heard the fireworks. Everyone heard the fireworks. The fireworks are over. Please stop texting us about the fireworks.

The merchandise has been accounted for. All bottle openers, koozies, commemorative plates, and founding father socks have been logged and will not be refunded. If you purchased a throw pillow featuring the Declaration of Independence, please know that legal has reviewed this and it is fine. It is not fine. We have moved on.

Regarding the founders: they have been honored. We looked at their faces on things for an extended period. We said their names. We argued about their names. We put their names on highways, schools, and at least one escape room in Akron, Ohio. They are honored. We are done.

The Committee would like to specifically address Benjamin Franklin, whose face appeared on more merchandise than any other founder, including a koozie, a bottle opener, a cutting board, and a candle that smelled like “ambition and wood smoke,” which sold out in 72 hours and which Franklin would have monetized immediately.

Thomas Jefferson appeared on slightly less merchandise, for reasons the Committee does not need to explain and which Jefferson himself understood.
John Adams appeared on merchandise no one purchased, which is historically consistent.

The Committee would also like to acknowledge that several of the founding documents contain unfinished business. We are aware. This has been noted in previous years, specifically in 1776, 1865, 1920, 1964, and most recently in a series of very long social media threads that the Committee has not read but has been told make some good points.

We will address the unfinished business.

After a short break.

The break will be two weeks.

The break will be longer than two weeks.

Effective immediately, the following are no longer required:

• Patriotic outfits
• Opinions about the founding fathers expressed at family gatherings
• The song “Proud to Be an American,” unless you are at a sporting event, in which case it is still mandatory and you know why
• Fireworks
• Feelings about fireworks
• Debating whether hot dogs are sandwiches, which was never patriotic and was always just a way to avoid the other conversations

The America 250 Celebration has concluded.

The America 251 planning committee will begin accepting applications in January.

We recommend taking some time first.

We all need to take some time first.

Thank you for 250 years.

Some of them were great.

This message was issued by the America 250 Closing Committee, a nonpartisan organization that is very tired.