ICE Has Finally Detained Superman

METROPOLIS – A U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement operation led to the indictment of an unlawfully present Kryptonian alien residing in Metropolis.

The U.S. Attorney’s Office has indicted Superman, otherwise known as Clark Kent, 30, on one count of unlawful reentry of a deported alien. He has also been referred to by the alias “Man of Steel.” It’s unknown if this is a gang moniker.

“Fake names are often used to disguise the identity of illegals.” A masked ICE officer who preferred to remain anonymous told us at the scene.

It took over three hours for the Metropolis Police Department to respond to our ICE agents, despite multiple calls. An investigation is underway after ICE received the message, “Fuck youse, we support our guy, Superman” from the MPD.

Our brave officers were vastly outmatched—Superman, also known as “Kal-El,” possesses superhuman strength, speed, reflexes, senses, and endurance, in addition to heat vision and x-ray vision. This story is still developing as we learn more about his powers and clean up the debris from his resistance to arrest.

ICE officers finally apprehended Superman by smuggling Kryptonite in a baby’s diaper and dangling it off a bridge, causing the illegal alien to come out of hiding to most likely kidnap the child while calling it “rescue.”

Our courageous ICE agents have detained hundreds of criminal illegal aliens like Superman who are crawling around this progressive hotbed of crime. Rapists, murderers, gang members, drug traffickers, thieves, and people who eat doggies and kitties. Some wear capes, some tights.

Superman has been known to participate in various criminal activities including destruction of public and private property, indecent exposure (prominently displaying his underwear which may be a slippery slope for other lewd and perverted tendencies) and use of unlicensed superpowers—possible drug abuse connected with this has been surmised.

If convicted, Superman faces a sentence of up to ten years in prison, one year of supervised release and a fine of up to $450,000 in Kryptoncurrency.

ICE intends to remove Superman from the United States upon the completion of his sentence.

Lex Luthor—entrepreneur, scientist, self-made billionaire, member of the Legion of Doom, and recently appointed acting Homeland Security Secretary commented:

“Illegal bad-faith actors such as Superman will be held accountable for violence against federal officers, and make no mistake: ICE will continue to enforce our nation’s immigration laws and arrest criminal illegal aliens. These offenders endanger our American communities—politicians in liberal sanctuary cities such as Metropolis are only encouraging them to commit further crimes by harboring them. Oh, and don’t forget to buy Lex-Coin—the currency choice of masterminds.”