An Intervention For Batman

Uncle Irving: Bruce…?

Bruce Wayne: Wha… Uncle Irving?? What are you doing down here in the Batcave??

Uncle Irving: The Batca… of course that’s what you would call it; always such an imaginative boy. But I have to say… all these tubes and chemicals… what are you doing in here, making meth? What’s that smell?

Bruce: That’s not meth! That’s just the smell of the treatment I use to deodorize the odor of the bat…. droppings. It’s not meth.

Uncle Irving: Mmm. Well, there you are, just like we’ve all heard. Sitting there in the dark, wearing a bat costume. Bruce, son…

Bruce: I’m not your son!!

Uncle Irving: Okay, okay… calm down. That’s the crux of the problem, isn’t it… your poor parents… I know that it must have been difficult… impossible, even…

Bruce: Listen, Irving… I’m fine, this is… what the hell are you doing down here?? It’s not safe! I sometimes have dangerous criminals down here!!

Aunt Linda: And no wonder, with that outfit you’re wearing. Who else do you expect to meet, wearing that nonsense?

Bruce: Aunt Linda?? Guys, seriously… you’ve got to leave right now! I’m expecting an important message from the Commissioner!

Aunt Linda: The Commissioner? Is that some sort of World Of Warcraft thing? Enough is enough, we won’t have you sitting here like this… it’s going to cause a scandal!

Irving: Linda, I was speaking with the boy… just give us a minute, okay?

Bruce: Alfred! Alfred!!

Irving: Don’t bother hollering for that old fool. We fired him before we came down here. He’s been enabling you for far too long.

Bruce: You fired Alfred?! You can’t fire Alfred!!

Irving: We can do whatever we want; we’ve had your assets seized.

Aunt: And what is that ridiculous belt? Is that where you keep your drugs? Irving, get the belt from him.

Bruce: Stay away from my belt!!

Irving: Bruce, we’re just trying to help… you need help. You’re clearly in a very dark place.

Linda: This place is so horrible… what did I just step in??

Bruce: Uncle Irving, Aunt Linda… please. You have to leave now. I have a meeting with the Justice League in forty-five minutes.

Linda: The who? You won’t be hanging out with any of those crackhead friends of yours anymore, Bruce. Tell him, Irving.

Irving: Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…

Bruce: Arkham?? NOOO!! What have you done??

Irving: It’s only temporary! Just a few weeks of rehab… it will be nice, relaxing!

Robin: Hey, Batman… what’s going on here? Who are the old folks?

Linda: Good Lord, Bruce… what is he, sixteen? I feel like I’m going to be sick.