ICYMI: Executive Order to Americanize Soccer

“It was the Biden Administration who ruined this beautiful sport,” President Trump stated. “The sport is very boring now. The teams in Europe and England don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. We plan to lift all restrictions. Effective now, you can use your hands. Use them to catch the ball, throw it, punch people or poke someone in the eye, I don’t care. Use your feet like nobody’s business. We’re going to now let players can do whatever the hell they want.”

Trump vowed to create total chaos, by demanding all games going forward be played “on a multi-goal octagon—like extreme fighting—with a goal on every side and have all the teams play at once,” something tournament officials warned is logistically impossible.

“So however many teams there are, that’s the shape of the field. One big octagon, but with many more sides than a regular octagon. I like to call it a SUPER OCTAGON.”

There are 32 countries participating. “We’re not going to do 32-side field. That would be ridiculous. A lot of these teams should not even be allowed in the country. And we’re flying all the losers to El Salvador, pronto.”

At the press conference, President Trump presented new red, white and blue balls to be used, decorated in Stars and Stripes going forward. “Very excited to share, we’re adding more balls in the game at the same time to make this boring sport exciting. Lots of balls. Lots of full contact. It will still be the best WiFi Club World Cup ever.”

It’s unclear how, but the Pentagon and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth are in talks now on how to incorporate missiles and rockets into the game. There has been no show of support by any of English or European football clubs for any of the proposed changes but President Trump wrote on Truth Social, “It was the United States of America that saved Israel, and now it is going to be the United States of America that saves soccer.”