If Mayor Pete Wants My Vote, He Needs To Dig Way Deeper Into Panic! At The Disco’s Discography Than “High Hopes”

Is Pete Buttigieg’s flashmob dance the cringiest campaign trend so far? … [Pete Buttigieg] has embraced Panic! at the Disco’s “High Hopes” as his campaign walk-on song and his followers have enthusiastically jumped onboard, creating coordinated dances to match…  with some calling it the “cringiest” campaign trend so far. — The Guardian, 11/19/19

 

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Let’s face it, like most Americans, when I saw that the Pete Buttigieg campaign had choreographed an elaborate dance to Panic! At The Disco’s song “High Hopes,” I was taken aback. Not only was this dance incredibly white (and exceedingly dorky). But, even more importantly, its very existence revealed a crucial, fatal flaw with the entire Buttigieg campaign.

See, I’m sorry folks, but if Mayor Pete really wants to earn my vote, then he’s going to have to dig a whoooole lot deeper into Panic! At The Disco’s dank-as-hell discography than “High Hopes.”

No, if he wants my support, Mayor Pete’s going to have to prove that he isn’t just another weak-ass, corporate wannabe who only got into Panic! after they sold out to the Hollywood phonies at Atlantic Records.

And as long as Pete “Poser” Buttigieg keeps listening to mainstream, Top 40, cookie-cutter bullshit like “High Hopes” (instead of P!atD’s earlier, greater stuff) then I’ll have no choice but to swear him off as a viable political candidate forever.

I don’t vote for phonies, America.

Seriously, what kind of presidency do you think we can expect from a man who willingly listens to “High Hopes” over the band’s danker, darker, original shit? It’s like, has Mayor Pete has even heard of “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”? And what about the deep cuts like “Time to Dance” and “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage”?

I’m sorry. But there’s just no way that Pete Buttigieg is a real Sinner like me…

But he could be.

And he should be.

America, I want to vote for the kind of candidate who wears skull-shaped stud earrings and writes bad poetry about his father in a dark room that’s lit with one, single black candle.

I want the kind of Pete Buttigieg who carries around an old-timey Victorian umbrella and has a single white streak dyed into his hair to show his constituents that he’s edgy as fuck.

I want the kind of Pete Buttigieg who spends his lunchtimes sitting behind the middle school bleachers listening to “Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off,” while dreaming of the day that he can finally graduate high school and go to Berlin to mosh underground with all the Ubergoths who truly understand him.

And until the Buttigieg campaign makes these changes, I refuse to even think about him. Let alone give him my precious, angsty-white-boy support.

And I don’t think that that’s too outrageous of a request, America.

In summation and in conclusion, I recognize that the Buttigieg campaign’s “High Hopes” dance is an embarrassing trend. But, even more importantly, it is shockingly revealing as to the kind of bland, corporate campaign that Mayor Pete is trying to run.

And, folks, do we really want to elect yet-another forgettable, white guy in the Oval Office?

Or, instead, do we want to put on a fresh coat of guyliner, break out our old Panic! CDs, and bring the black parade into the White House as soon as humanly possible?

If anyone from the Buttigieg campaign is reading this article, the path ahead of you should be damningly obvious.