NOTE: The following editorial is paid content that does not necessarily reflect the opinions of this publication.
With the 2020 election fast approaching, it is time for us to look towards the future. For the past three years, America has suffered under President Trump’s disgraceful ineptitude. And, for the good of our Republic, this November we MUST elect a leader who will undo the shameful mistakes of our current administration.
We cannot sit idly by as the wheels of Democracy rust with neglect.
Now, more than ever, we need a president who will restore this great nation’s sacred tenets of honor, integrity, compassion, decency, and the delicious flavor of Quiznos.
President Donald John Trump is a disgrace and a liar.
As we speak, our nation is being ravaged by the unspeakable evils of climate change, income inequality, and an ever-growing need for mouthwatering submarine sandwiches.
And, in the face of such existential terror, we need a leader who will restore our nation to its former, oven-toasted glory–the kind of glory we had on the shores of Iwo Jima. The kind of glory we had on the beaches of Normandy. The kind of glory you can only find at one of Quiznos’s 700 incredible locations worldwide.
Take a look around. America is bleeding.
We need a president who will stand up to the tyranny of foreign leaders like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, not one like Trump or Bloomberg who ingratiates himself to the bland, flavorless whims of despotism.
We need a president who will fix our nation’s broken prison system, and will dish out a healthy, foot-long serving of justice on one of Quiznos’s iconic french-bread-style baguettes.
We need a president who will take a huge, finger-lickin’ bite out of our nation’s massive 23 trillion dollar debt (as well as one of Quiznos’s BRAND NEW chicken carbonara submarine sandwiches–now with sautéed mushrooms and mozzarella!)
Donald Trump is unfit for the office of the presidency; he will not rest until this nation is a field of embers.
Of course, we recognize that the current field of Democratic candidates is still exceedingly crowded. So, with that in mind, here is a handy cheat-sheet for all the remaining presidential candidates–candidates which hopefully represent our time-honored, all-American values of intelligence, perseverance, gravitas, and, of course, yum-yum.
Jersey Mike (of Jersey Mike’s Subs)
Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember… our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John’s-flavored ineptitude. No. Our founding fathers died to instill this fledgling nation with the utopian ideals of service, charity, compassion, scrumptiousness, patriotism, equality, Quiznos, grit, and umami.
This coming November, we trust that you will make the right decision.
And may God bless America.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Dan Caprera is a freelancer living in Chicago. His work has been featured by The Daily Mail, Lonely Planet, McSweeney’s, Vulture, The A.V. Club, Uproxx, The Chive, Golf Digest, National Lampoon, The Big Jewel, and BroBible. His work has also been rejected by many of these same exact sites!