Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember… our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John’s-flavored ineptitude.
Whenever I make my way out to New York City, I always try to spend at least a few minutes in Times Square. See, while most people simply write off Times Square as being “too touristy” or “claustrophobic” or say that it’s “a garish, over-commercialized nightmare-prison that you should avoid at all costs”… I disagree.
STEP 11 — America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.
Over the past 10 years, we all read thousands of phenomenal Top 10 listicles. Here now is the definitive list of Weekly Humorist’s top 10 picks for the Top 10 ‘Top 10 lists’ of the 2010’s. Please enjoy!
I want the kind of Pete Buttigieg who carries around an old-timey Victorian umbrella and has a single white streak dyed into his hair to show his constituents that he’s edgy as fuck.
Well, looks like we’ve opened up Pandora’s box, folks! An upcoming independent film will be digitally adding James Dean into it, further blurring the increasingly-tenuous line between CGI and reality. However, since this is something that we, as a society, are apparently cool with doing now… here are a few more movies that we should digitally insert James Dean into!
I’m sorry, but if (and when) one of my sons breaks the sacred bonds of matrimonial bliss, then he best be doing it in our charming, romantic (and hot-as-hell) garage… because that’s where the magic goes down!
It was a bone-white cup, emblazoned with the emerald likeness of a mermaid. / And from it exuded a golden mist of cloves and nutmeg / And lust and decadence and beguilement.
“Why are some of the cats wearing fur coats?” repeated Igor. “If they’re cats, why do they need clothing? And if the coats are made of fur, then what are they using to make the coats? More cats?
’12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!’ ‘1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!’ And more.
See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.
Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!
The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.
Yeah. Sure. We’ve all heard the jokes by now: the character Toad has a weird, bulbous head. Har har har. Now can we get our minds out of the gutter and start talking about actual issues, people?
This is not the America that we were promised–the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.
