If Senate Confirmation Hearings Were Like Regular Interviews

My greatest weakness is that I make America too great.

We have many stellar applicants who want a spot in the Administration of 2025. What makes you stand out?

Kash Patel: I’m the only person fit to be director of the CIA. On January 6, 2020, when the government assassinated John F. Kennedy, I worked tirelessly to uncover secrets that would defend our freedoms and the Majesty of King Donald, who rules with a humble yet iron fist to this day.

To clarify, you haven’t been nominated as CIA director.

That’s what the government wants you to think. Find me later for CIA secrets and branded K$H merch.

Kristi Noem: While serving as South Dakota’s 33rd governor, I received the Gubernatorial Medal of Courage for rounding up and executing dangerous golden retriever puppies who had a record of chasing pigeons. No one else, in the history of America, has done this.

Pete Hegseth: My unique body art. 

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: I am the only member of the Illuminati with an OnlyFans account.

Please use three adjectives to describe yourself.

Kash Patel: Fight with Kash.

Kristi Noem: A perfect shot.

Pete Hegseth: Jesus and warrior.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Delicious, happy, and eagle-eyed.

What do you think you can contribute to the Administration?

Kash Patel: A comprehensive list of enemy members of the deep state, including suspects in the murder of Ronald Reagan.

Kristi Noem: I raised more than $2.50 to purchase cemetery plots and host funerals for unused frozen embryos. My message to those embryos: God wanted you to contribute to the most important thing on Planet Earth—creating the fertilizer for the grass horses eat to support the production of leather for cowboy boots. Anyway, you can have the $2.50.

Pete Hegseth: Decked-out Christmas parties.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: My collection of homemade taxidermy. 

What’s your greatest weakness?

Kash Patel: I work too hard at scrubbing the “Made in China” stickers off of the artifacts on my King Donald’s Return to Power vision board.

Kristi Noem: I once missed my shot when I was aiming for an Australian shepherd.

Pete Hegseth: My greatest weakness is that I make America too great.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: I sprained my wrist transporting a bear carcass. 

Do you have any questions for me?

Kash Patel: Where were you during the French Revolution? Can you account for your whereabouts?

Kristi Noem: Are face masks required in the White House?

Pete Hegseth: God?

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Have you ever made spaghetti alfredo with fresh garlic and tapeworms? Did you cook the garlic first? Did you wait until the bear was dead before extracting the tapeworms? Did you use organic whipping cream and imported parmesan cheese? Did you inject the tub of butter into your vein to ward off smallpox and then have to go back to the supermarket to get another? Do you like touching your own eyeballs? Who are you?