Hope Hicks Updated LinkedIn Profile

Hope Hicks

Former White House Communications Director, current woman in sweatpants drinking pinot on the couch while binging The Bachelor. Fuck yeah, bitches!!!

I was a former public relations expert working in the world of fashion, where I worked diligently to keep spotless and attractive the outward appearances and reputations of those who are in reality ugly, putrid and hateful on the inside. This made me a natural fit as Trump’s White House Communications Director, and also helped immensely when moving about members of the GOP. I also love microwave curly fries (even better than the ones from Jack In The Box!!) and think that Robocop 2 is a better movie than the original Robocop.


Career Interests:

Scrubbing the sour stench of Trump off of me as soon as possible, even if this requires intense hypnotic psychotherapy, a delousing and a complete skin transplant. Also, I always thought that working at a water-park seemed fun.


White House Communications Director

While I feel that I’m fairly competent, particularly when you stand me next to most of the other dopes that Trump hired, I have to admit that being in the right (wrong?) place at the right time was everything here. Trump was panicking and pretty much hired whoever was standing near him at the time. After getting hired, I mostly just hid out in the employee break room and played on my phone (Candy Crush champion, bitches!!!). This was actually a pretty sweet gig until Trump turned out to be such an incompetent shithead. Once his stink began to offend the delicate sensibilities of the other girls in my brunch club, it was time to bail.

Ivanka Trump Fashion Ventures

Ugh, this bitch. Not as much of a crusty old whore as her father, but still not easy to be around. Kind of a high and mighty princess for someone who supposedly was patient zero for the whole HPV thing. Pretty sure that husband of hers is being controlled by voodoo or something. Something really weird going on there, at least. One complimentary thing that I’ll say about her, I’ve never seen anyone else be able to queef as often and as loudly while wearing a pair of tight-fitting leather pants.

Trenton Bros Films

Small company I worked for as a lark during college. Group of guys who would make videos of themselves severely beating homeless people and then sell the tapes to members of the GOP for their circle jerk parties. I just did their bookkeeping, but did put a cigarette out on a homeless kid for a video once.


Albino cuckoldery


Making unpleasant faces while drinking friend’s sun tea.

Pretending to be unable to carry stuff.

Burning bagel bites

Treating old, ugly people like they’re less ugly and old than they actually are.

Arguing while trimming the Christmas tree.

Scrap-booking ironically

Candy Crush

Talking over other people.

Pretending to be caught up on Game Of Thrones.

Looking a person right in the eye while lying to their face.

Feigning interest