I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene and I’m Here to Tell You There are Only Two Potato Head Genders

“Hasbro Inc. is dropping “mister” from the Mr. Potato Head brand to make the popular toy line gender neutral and appeal to a broader base of consumers.”

As a surprisingly actual elected member of the United States House of Representatives, it is my duty to stand up for all Americans, as long as they conform to the traditional Potato gender norms. I was informed by one of my aides (whose sole job it is to find news items I would find outrageous on Facebook) that the Hasbro Company, the maker of “Mr. Potato Head“, is removing the “Mr” from the title and claiming that all of their potatoes are born without gender.

This should not be surprising for any of us good Man-Potato-God fearing Christians, that Hasbro, a company located in the liberal bastion of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, would bow down to leftist pressure and remove the genders of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Heads everywhere. Well, I’ve got news for you Hasbro, gender is not one of the many accessories you can remove from Potato Heads.

A woman’s purse? Sure. A manly mustache? Absolutely. But replacing those items with a gender neutral bag and bright smile of a nondiscriminant sex? Not on my watch! Or Mr. Potato Head’s watch either, as that is an accessory yet to be provided by the Hasbro Company to the Potato Heads. In trying to get with the times they’ve let traditional family potatoes wander aimlessly through life without knowing the time.

Which is why I will be announcing legislation tomorrow demanding that companies that give birth to sentient and gendered potatoes must provide such potatoes with gendered timepieces. And I will announce it after I have finished harassing my quota of colleagues and school shooting victims for the day while wearing a mask that says “Mr. Potato’s a Stud-Spud, but Joe’s a Dud.”

To show Hasbro my, and every true American’s, feelings about their castration of Mr. Potato Head, I have paid for a large billboard to hang outside their main office with the phrase:

 There are TWO potato-genders!

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head have human genitalia!

“Trust the Food Science!”

The phrase is accompanied by a tasteful rendering of anatomically accurate potato genitalia, which should trigger the libbers.

How can we idly stand by while Hasbro doles out sacks and sacks of sackless Mr. Potato Heads?

And what of the “Sports Studs” line of biological-Mrs. Potato Heads? Are we supposed to force them to compete with trans-Mrs. Potato Heads who have removed their potato pricks just so they can win sports competitions? I’m not making this up, this is the potato future Hasbro wants. Biological potato-women cannot and should not compete against biological potato men.

Don’t even get me started on the politicization of our other famous children’s toys. They want you to believe that Barbie shouldn’t be just white. And by the way, for all the kids watching at home, Barbie just is white, but Matell is arguing that maybe we should have black Barbies, but Barbie is what she is, and she’s white. Thomas the Tank Engine is adding girl trains. American Girl Doll is making boy dolls. Like the potato-penis billboard says, I believe in science, and only boys are trains, and only girls are American.

They’ll deny it, but this is another Hollywood multi-level attack to indoctrinate our youth. Think about future Toy Story sequels. Instead of a loving but acerbic older couple bickering back and forth as their potato-talia swings back and forth, we’ll have an indiscernible potato couple who will confuse our children. I know I’ll be thrown off if I can’t see any potato boobs on Mrs. Potato Head. THEY. ARE. TEACHING. OUR. CHILDREN. THAT. POTATOES. DON’T. HAVE. BIOLOGICALLY. CORRECT. SEX. ORGANS.

True Americans need not worry, as long as I am somehow still in office, I will make sure that our Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head do not use unisex bathrooms. Their potato butt-flap only opens to spill their contents out in gendered bathrooms, thank you very much.