All the leftwing press claiming the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes will delay the upcoming network and cable season is nonsense. We don’t need those self-indulgent writers and actors anymore, we’ve got it covered. Here’s the preliminary lineup we’re working on.
-Alliance of Motion Pictures and Television Producers
Monday Nights 8 pm:
House Hunters Regional: After getting evicted from their homes due to nonpayment of rent and foreclosures, out of work acting and scriptwriting staffs compete for space in California’s homeless encampments. Writer and host Bob Iger explains why his life is better than yours as we crosscut to locations from his $33 million dollar L.A. mansion, luxury yacht and Disneyland’s $1500 a night Grand Hotel & Spa to tent cities and Midnight Mission’s shelter.
Monday Nights 9 pm:
Dancing with the Dead Stars: AI-generated dancers Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers vie against Gene Kelly and Judy Garland, as well as Patrick Swayze and Josephine Baker, for an intergenerational ballroom dancing competition, directed by Jack Warner, with a prestigious panel of judges –Martha Graham, Isadora Duncan and Michael Jackson – never been seen on the same stage before. Another triumph for Netflix executive Ted Sarandos, the writer, producer and star who has ensured that each champion payout goes back to the $191 billion dollar streaming service, with no residuals needed for the deceased cast.
Tuesday Night 9 pm:
The Murdoch Show: Who needs Succession when we have an animated puppetry extravaganza starring the whole clan, with Lachlan, James, Elisabeth, Grace, Chloe and Prudence. Daddy Rupert pulls all the strings from his palatial estates in New York, California, Montana, England and Australia. Guaranteed non-stop coverage in The Wall Street Journal, New York Post, London Times Literary Supplement, GQ Australia and FOX News. (Spoiler alert: The Tucker Carlson puppet never gets to become a real boy.)
Tuesday Nights 10 pm:
Project Runway Season 21: Aircraft drones controlled by scientists from Japan, Syria, Russia and Iraq try to blow up WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikers. This IMAX feature stars Universal’s Ronald Meyer leading the commandos lurking behind picket lines.
Wednesday Nights 8 pm:
Say Yes to the Deal: Actors and screenwriters try on different contracts for size, complaining they’re all too small. A laugh track, rice toss, champagne and applause erupt when they finally compromise by choosing the least horrible one. Created, written, directed, cast, designed and catered by Sony Chairman Tony Vinciquerra.
Thursday Nights 9 pm:
THE SUPERGIRL MEETS BATGIRL MOVIE: You thought you’d never get to see the 2022 cancelled multi-million dollar updated classics starring Latina and Afro-Latina actresses. But now these two features are combined together in a digitally remastered extravaganza created, written, directed and animated by highest paid Hollywood executive Discovery’s David Zaslav. Featuring the teenage Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor as the DC Superheroines.
Friday Nights 10 pm:
The Real Ex-Housewives of Entertainment Honchos stars model-turned Murdoch wife #1 Patricia Booker, Anna Torv, Wendi Deng, Jerry Hall and almost #5 Ann Lesley Smith in team one. They face off against team two: Ari Emanuel’s wives joined by Al Pacino and Kevin Costner’s baby mommies who battle through prenup and child support glitches leading to bigger inheritances, pots, pans and furniture.
Saturday Nights 10 pm:
Survivor/ Death of an Alliance Ultimate Fighter #2: This exciting adventure show gathers a group of striking writers and actors marooned in Hollywood in a contest to land the last menial jobs as waiters, housekeepers, Lyft drivers and construction workers. Created, written, directed and starring Warner Bros’ CEO Michael De Luca, as he struggles to launch his own independent company and apply for an exception to shoot Barbenheimer sequels.
Sunday Nights 9 pm:
GODFATHER PART 3 1/2: Resurrected, revised, restored, rewritten and reproduced by Paramount/Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins, this highly anticipated sequel to the Academy Award winning film trio stars the pixels of Marlon Brando, James Caan and Abe Vigoda interspersing multiple outtakes we still own from the cutting room floor. Watch Sonny Corleone get cut to pieces so many times, you realize it was a comedy all along. Newly created male doll set tie-in by Mattel. Plastic submachine guns sold separately.
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Susan Shapiro, a Manhattan writing professor, is the bestselling author of several books her family hates including Five Men Who Broke My Heart, Unhooked and The Forgiveness Tour.