I’ve Decided to Replace the Guinea Pig With a Larger, Slightly More Calculated Guinea Pig

“President-elect Donald Trump is considering selecting Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis as his pick for defense secretary to replace embattled Fox News host Pete Hegseth, three sources familiar with the transition told CBS News on Tuesday night.” –CBS News, 12/4/24

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I didn’t want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course.

 

I picked the first guinea pig because I liked how fast and blindly he ran on the wheel when I asked him to. He just kept going, even when I said he could have a break for some water. I’ll be honest, I was impressed. He asked permission before eating his food pellets, even though I hadn’t paid the acne-riddled teenage Petco worker the sweaty $20 yet. When I took him out of the cage to hold him, he immediately curled up and went to sleep in my arms.

 

Plus, he’s always been a true defender of guinea pig liberty. Unless I say he shouldn’t be. Then of course, he would probably curl up at my feet. Otherwise I’d put him in the microwave. Haha, I’m kidding of course! I would never do that. But don’t test me.

 

So it pained me when reports from other guinea pigs began to come forward saying that this guinea pig had some issues. Had I known about all this before I went to Petco, I probably still would have picked this guinea pig, but now that everyone knows that I know that I didn’t know, I’m starting to think I should find a different guinea pig.

 

And since this guinea pig is going to be in charge of defending all the other guinea pigs, I’m starting to think I should pick a slightly bigger, more calculated guinea pig. You know, a guinea pig who plans out when he’s going to knock over the water bowl, take away food from the other guinea pigs, and hog the wheel all day. Plus, this slightly bigger guinea pig’s own mother guinea pig didn’t send an email telling the guinea pig that he needed to get his act together.

 

I need a guinea pig who does what I tell him to do, but also a guinea pig who knows why he’s doing the things I’m telling him to do. I need a guinea pig who thinks for himself, but not too much. Me and this slightly bigger guinea pig have had our differences in the past. For instance, we were in a wheel spinning race against each other once. He tried to trip me, I bit him. You get the idea. But then he totally spun out of control, fell off the wheel, and just couldn’t get back on.

 

That’s kind of why I’m picking him over an even bigger, even more calculated guinea pig. He can think a little more clearly, but he also knows I beat him once, and I’d do it again. But these days, I prefer to make other guinea pigs do my bidding for me and just sit back and watch. I’ve eaten a lot more food pellets recently, so I don’t know how I’d do in a wheel race anymore.

 

But it never gets old watching those little bastards scamper towards a prize they’ll never reach, now does it?