Kash Patel’s X-Files

Agent Mulder drives down a highway while Agent Scully reads an FBI report.

SCULLY: An ICE agent believes his mind is being controlled by an undocumented immigrant?

MULDER: Not exactly. He believes he’s turned into an undocumented immigrant. Specifically, a Mexican by the name of Nico Mendoza. 

SCULLY: You mean the leader of MS-13?

MULDER: So he says.

SCULLY: Hell of an excuse to get out of a triple homicide charge. Yet I see no record of any previous psychotic breaks. Do you think it’s a form of thought insertion?

MULDER: You mean like when people say aliens or the government implanted thoughts into their head? But that doesn’t explain the sombrero or the mid day naps he’s been taking… What if it’s a psychic connection of some sort? 

SCULLY: What do you mean?

MULDER: Have you heard of vocational entanglement theory?

SCULLY: No. 

MULDER: It’s a phenomenon usually found between co-workers during intense collaboration where they say a cognitive entanglement occurs and both parties feel as though they’ve become one. 

SCULLY: Yeah but they weren’t co-workers, Mulder. Mendoza is his target.

MULDER: You know how this job can get, Scully. If Special Agent Montgomery was as devoted to Immigrations and Customs as they say he was, it stands to reason he can open up a door into the mind of this Mendoza guy. 

SCULLY: Remind me to keep my distance from you.

——

Agent Mulder and Scully stand in a lab and observe a biologist looking into a microscope.

BIOLOGIST: Are you familiar with toxoplasmosis?

MULDER: No.

SCULLY: It’s a parasite that lives inside a cat’s intestine. It primarily affects rodents and reduces their fear of a cat’s odor. Some even say that they become attracted to the cat. 

MULDER: Rats that want to be eaten. Got it.

BIOLOGIST: It appears someone has genetically engineered toxoplasmosis to affect the human endocrine system to target male hormones. 

SCULLY: I see. That’s why you mentioned androgen deprivation therapy.

MULDER: Which is what exactly?

BIOLOGIST: It’s a type of hormonal therapy that signals the brain to shut down testosterone production. 

SCULLY: It reduces testosterone to near castration levels. 

MULDER: Jesus. 

BIOLOGIST: There’s more. This parasite can affect the part of the brain where gender incongruence can occur.

MULDER: You mean…

SCULLY: Cats are turning men trans.

—-

Agent Mulder and Agent Scully walk the halls of a college hallway. Students mill about while mindlessly scrolling on their phones.

MULDER: They’re called Non-Player Characters, Scully. Or NPC’s as they’re known online. It’s a pejorative used to describe people who appear to act without original thought. You know, like pre-programmed characters in a video game. 

SCULLY: We’re supposed to believe that all these students here are somehow, what — computer pod people?

MULDER: In so many words. 

SCULLY: What would be the point of replacing students with NPC’s? I don’t see the upshot.

MULDER: You remember that film 2000 Mules? 

SCULLY: Sure. The conspiracy that claimed there was a coordinated effort to harvest fake ballots in key swing states. Using human “mules” to drop off ballots. But why go through all that trouble when you can just control the masses into doing whatever you want?

MULDER: Whatever technology they have to control the minds of these students might only be capable of handling the population size of a student body.

SCULLY: Don’t tell me you actually believe in all this. 

MULDER: Take a look at this.

Mulder opens his phone to an app called “VirtueSig”

MULDER: I think this app has something to do with it. 

Suddenly, without warning every student’s phone jingles with a native peace pipe sound. They all take a knee on the spot. Mulder takes note.

MULDER: Scully… 

Scully notices and looks around.

SCULLY: What’s going on?

MULDER: I… I think it’s a land acknowledgement. 

SCULLY: My god…

MULDER: We’ve gotta get out of here.