Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Super Bowl Party

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering whether you and Gary are free to watch the Super Bowl with me on Sunday. Oh, you know, I thought it would be fun to throw a little shindig this year for the big day. Nothing extravagant. Just a few friends gathering together, reveling in the thrill and glory of spor—no, not a big party. Just a few friends. People in addition to you and Gary, yes.

Ah, no, Paul won’t be there. Yes, that would be exciting. Right, if you came in and just saw the two of us sitting there. “Sharing a sofa quietly.” Yeah, ha ha, like the song. Right, I get it, you switched “park bench” for “sofa.” Yeah, no, that’s very clever. No, Paul wrote that one. Yeah. Well, I tended to help out in other ways. The high harmonies. Singing the high harmonies, arranging the high harmonies. Well, it was typically almost as much work as writing the song, actually. Yeah. Well, regardless, he won’t be coming.

So, in terms of Sunday, if you or Gary could let me know in advance what you’re bringing. I put together this spreadsheet on GoogleDrive, and—no, it’s a potluck. Right. Not albums to sign. Yeah, no, food. Although if you wanted to bring an LP, I’m sure I could—ah, you know, I actually have no idea how to mail an album to Paul. I’m not even sure I have his current address. Plus, you have to deal with the bubble wrap, and so on.

Well, if you were to bring Breakaway, for instance, you would only need my autograph. Breakaway? Number 9 hit album in 1975? Right, in the United States. No, it’s just me on it. Well, sure, there were people playing instruments, but they were studio musicians, you see. Yes, and people bought the record. I’m surprised you’d never heard of it, to be honest.

Graceland? I can’t say I’m really familiar with that album. No, no need to bring a copy of it to the potluck.

No, for the potluck, we really just need someone to bring a platter of cold cuts. We already have a number of people committed to bringing desserts, so if you and Gary could prepare a light entree. Some finger sandwiches, perhaps. Well, I’m just not sure whether people will have eaten a full meal before coming, is the thing.

Right. Well, catering didn’t seem in the spirit of an informal, jaunty sports viewing party. No, I thought of that, but I’m not the sort of celebrity that hires a caterer. I’m much more personable, you see. Sure, cost could be a factor for some, but not so much in this case. Ah, too many to list, really. Royalties. Concert tour receipts. No, current concert tours. No, just me and a band. Right, a band that doesn’t include Paul. Yeah, I’m sure that would have been on the news.

Other celebrities? Well, see, I don’t typically go in for all that glitz and glamor. I consider myself more of an artiste. A wanderer, a savant, such that my social affections don’t necessarily take me into the company of—well, Kathy Lee and I go to the same dentist, so she may be stopping by. Well, no, she’s not a definite yes. Between you and me, I heard that she has this infected tooth that probably has to come out in the next few days, and I’m planning a teeth cleaning for Friday, so, you know, odds are good.

Singing? I hadn’t considered it, to be honest, what with the Football Super Bowl being such a machismo-laden event. Well, we can sing along with the marching bands during the halftime show, if the mood strikes us. Oh, really? What a shame. At Columbia, there was nothing like a rousing Sousa rendition from the marching band to get the crowds en fuego, as it were.

Ah, yeah, Columbia University in New York. Right, ha ha. Oh, no, Paul went to Queens College. No, the one in Queens.

How’s that? Oh, we should be all set on the drinks front. I think we still have most of a bottle of red my wife received with our pet meds delivery. Huh, really? A bottle’s eight glasses, and I have this special set of stemless—Well, if you want to bring another bottle, go for it.

Yeah, or you could bring a six-pack, sure. How’s that? Sure, we could talk about some old times and drink ourselves some beers. Well, there’s the time I met you and Gary at the delicatessen, and then—ah. No, that’s interesting. No, I can’t say I’ve heard that song. Yes, Paul’s certainly written a lot of songs. Well, you know what they say about short men.

Yeah, so if you and Gary could get there around six. I read in TV Guide that it’s supposed to start around six. Well, most likely, Kathy Lee and her husband will be there around then. Right, well, as I said, this tooth of hers is in pretty bad shape, so she’ll most likely be spending the better part of Friday afternoon in the dentist’s chair, and I have no problem approaching a beautiful woman with an invitation for a pleasant evening.

So, I’ll see you and Gary at my place at six, then. Terrific. And if I see Paul, sure. Go Jets!