All the Ways We’re Avoiding Saying “The Super Bowl” in Our Rent-To-Own Furniture Commercial as to Not Be Sued by the NFL

“The Big Game”

“Sunday Funday Party Warty Football Putball”

“Pre-CTE Post-Employment Celebration”

A chrome rotating 3D graphic that says “IIIL lwob repus

“National Pointed Oblong League Championship”

“New England Loyalists vs Los Angeles Male Sheep”

“America’s Excuse for Gluttony this Week!”

“The ‘Pussy McKneeler’s Snowflake Game’ Your Uncle Swore He Wouldn’t Watch Six Months Ago, but Will Now Be Offended If You Don’t Come to His Party.”

“Calling in ‘Sick’ to Work Eve”

“The Soccer* League Championship Game!”

*But, like that name everyone else calls ‘soccer’.

“Sports Cosplay Party”

By silently eating soup from a giant bowl and winking at the camera.

“Football’s Season Finale”

“Modern Day Gladiatorial Distraction of the Masses from a Crumbling Empire”