McDonald’s Shamrock Shake Recall Due To Micro-Shillelaghs

For Immediate Release

We are writing to inform you of a recall for our McDonald’s Shamrock Shake.

Reason for Recall:
For years, customers have enjoyed our delightful limited-time beverage, the Shamrock Shake, made with vanilla ice cream and mint flavoring. In the last few days, we discovered that this product may be contaminated with trace amounts of micro-shillelaghs. For context, a shillelagh is a wooden walking stick featured in Irish folklore and is normally not found in trace amounts in popular seasonal drinks offered by a beloved corporation. .

Health Risks:
Consumption of the affected product may result in symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, and the deep lust to wax poetic about shambling amongst the glint of dewy green shown atop the luscious grass of Ireland.

If you have experienced any of these symptoms, we advise you to seek medical attention. Micro-shillelaghs are typically not fatal and studies have shown that running after a rainbow, catching it in your mouth, and letting the vibrant colors stream down your throat can lead to instant relief. Also, an IV drip from a board-certified emergency room, which also treats folklore-based injuries, can help with the aforementioned verbose Irish storytelling and shillelagh diarrhea.

How Did This Happen: 

An investigation is still pending, but McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes are made by Union-supported seasonal work leprechauns. They are allowed several Union-approved “stick-fights” throughout the day, during which they beat the corned beef out of each other with their shillelaghs, while standing on a plank placed over the Shamrock Shake vat. The loser of said match is thrown into the vat with their shillelagh and ground up into the Shamrock Shake. Although the fights boost morale in the factory, they have clearly become a major public health concern.

With this occurring daily, our investigation also found that customers might also be ingesting micro-leprechauns, which may cause a blood lust for gold and a desire to wear a tiny leather satchel. Customers are also consuming E. coli because shillelaghs are traditionally cured in dung.

What You Should Do:
If you have drunk a Shamrock Shake in the last 24-48 hours, hydrate with Guinness and cabbage juice and give a relative the silent treatment while never explaining directly what they did wrong.  If you have a hard time explaining your family’s sudden dip in Shamrock Shake consumption to your little ones, you can buy our children’s book: Mr. McIrishy and the Micro-Shillelagh Mix-Up. It explains the situation colorfully, like Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, while lightly touching on the tremendous number of leprechaun deaths and the recent scientific findings that micro-shillelaghs were found in people’s brain matter and testicles.

We urge you to stop using the product immediately if you begin to feel unwell. Also, remind yourself if you are sick because you had a Shamrock Shake infested with micro-shillelaghs or binge-drinked on St. Pat’s Day. It might just be alcohol, and not just dung wood flecked with leprechaun blood, destroying your liver and GI tract.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and appreciate your understanding as we work to ensure the safety of our consumers. Thank you for your prompt attention to this important matter and for not immediately filing a lawsuit in the leprechaun legal system or a complaint with OSHA.

Sincerely,

James “Patty” Sullivan

Former Shamrock Shake Factory Quality Assurance Manager