My Internet History Is Crazier Than Yours

My internet history is the craziest out of anyone. Seriously, it’s so embarrassing for me to browse the history tab. It’ll just be like, 20 pics of some random girl on Facebook! I’m just looking through all these photos of girls I don’t know! How creepy and insane is that?

My internet history is honestly so wild. I used Chrome Incognito to look at my ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram! I check her Instagram maybe every week. And they don’t even seem that serious. Like, his sister doesn’t follow her, so. I mean, she didn’t follow me either until I asked her to and venmoed her $6 but who cares. But that stalking — isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard? Seriously, WHO does that?

My worst fear is for anyone to see my internet history. Then they’d know that I look at my own Instagram story like 4 times/day to see how many views it’s gotten. And they’d know that I have a google news alert for Kylie Jenner! For real, is anything worse than that? If the FBI knew, they would have me LOCKED UP. I think. I mean, what else could the FBI be doing with its time, right?

You think your internet history is bad? You should see mine. The other day, I googled “why is my knee bleeding.” Gross, right?! I’m so embarrassed. Ok, fine, you got me, I googled ‘why is my nee bleeding,’ but Google autocorrected me. I no how to spell, ok?

What if a one night stand sleeps over and checks his email on my laptop and then sees my internet history? Then he’d know that I put a size 8 dress in my Amazon shopping cart! I want everyone to believe I’m a 6! I could never let him know the truth! That would be the end of it. He wouldn’t even stay for orange juice and flossing! Oh my god, seriously, my insane internet history is why I’m still single. I think. It could also be the fact that I live with my parents and 6 cats. But who am I do say?

My internet history is so embarrassing. I get my news from Huffpo instead of the New York Times! Please don’t ever tell anyone, I’ll lose all my credibility as an intellectual! And when I say I “get” my news from Huffpo, I mean I occasionally frequent their site but spend most of my day reading large books. I’m always Instagramming me with my large books, but what a lot of people don’t know is that I take screenshots of Huffpo too! I just don’t post them on social media. I tape them to my fridge as a reminder that I am NOT perfect, and I still need to improve myself. I’ve lost 8 lbs this year! I did have a tapeworm.

I hate to story-top, but my internet history is worse than yours. It gives away all my terrible secrets! Like, on mother’s day, I bought my mom flowers and told her it was from me and my sister, but I paid for them all by myself! Ugh, what a nightmare if she ever found out. I better make sure to change my passwords all the time.

My internet history is so embarrassing. I spend all my time on volunteermatch.com looking for ways to help the world! Seriously, what a cliche, right? Poor little medical student needs to fill her free time with volunteering because her perfect doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives to go down on her more than twice a day. Please don’t tell anyone, I couldn’t bear the humiliation.

Haha, wow, you guys really do all have crazy internet histories. I don’t relate. My internet history is pretty standard. I just watch animal porn on Craigslist and occasionally buy Ambien on the dark web.