My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Is this thing on? Hellooooooooooo, graduates…

That isn’t just a piece of paper you’re holding in your hand. That’s something you can get framed and hang on your wall while you thumb your noses at all the washouts that couldn’t hack it in the classroom. I have some great, affordable frames available for purchase, so come see me after the ceremony.

As you take your next big step, I’d like to remind you that you, your children and your grandchildren will be paying for my generation’s—and the preceding generations’—mistakes for centuries to come. Let’s face it, we were stupid and lazy. We spent money we didn’t really have on stuff we didn’t need, went into debt, and kept on voting for the same old buffoons time and again. We wasted way too much time sitting on our butts watching Succession, updating our Facebook statuses, playing video games and reading Us magazine, when we should have been fixing our country.

The ball’s in your court now. Good luck.

I see a lot of future doctors, lawyers, scientists, artists, musicians and pool service technicians sitting before me today. How do I know that? I have a good eye for that kind of stuff. But here’s some advice. Study accounting. Be an accountant. This country will always need accountants, even after we run out of money. 

How am I doing on time? What? Wrap it up? Okay, okay… friends, a few closing words of advice. Respect everyone’s opinion, no matter how full of crap they are. Wash your hands often. If your only choices are “Democrat” and “Republican,” it’s not really a choice. And never eat anything you can’t pronounce correctly.

This is a time to celebrate your collective accomplishments.

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time.

And first grade can be a bitch.