My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35

Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time. 

My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings

Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.

A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots

Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

Cereal Prizes for Adults

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Childhood Games Updated For Adulthood

All your favorites! Truth or Dare To Speak To Your Manager, Duck, Duck; Sagging Caboose, 7 Minutes in the Dermatologist’s Office, Musical Chairs With Lumbar Support and more.

CARTOON: Midlife Coach

Mid-sized Budget? We can work with that.

If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…