My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

CARTOON: Job Growth

Moving on up! Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

CARTOON: No Escape No Problem

A-maze-ing. Today's cartoon by Pardis Parker and Aria Ghalili.

CARTOON: List Fits

Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life

One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”

QUIZ: Are You Talking To Your 4-Year-Old Son or Your Husband?

No snacks before dinner. Use your words. Stop playing with yourself. And more!

The Rules of Baseball Caps

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

CARTOON: Holy Hobby

And don't ask where the remote is. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Feeling Week

Just got to make it through another week. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Cereal Prizes for Adults

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

I’m still not sure how I died. Maybe I had a heart attack,…

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

Childhood Games Updated For Adulthood

All your favorites! Truth or Dare To Speak To Your Manager, Duck, Duck; Sagging Caboose, 7 Minutes in the Dermatologist’s Office, Musical Chairs With Lumbar Support and more.

CARTOON: Why We Do Anything

The one true motivator.