Brothers, it’s time to retire one of our oldest mantras: “Bros before hoes.” It seems calling women hoes is frowned upon these days (some even say this has been the case since the 1960s) and we need to adapt. I know, I know, it was catchy and it allowed us to shrug off any feelings of attachment or commitment. Fear not, there are still lots of non-sexist things that bros come before.
You’re nestled into your favorite spot on the couch, gazing up at your impractically large flatscreen TV, about to watch an episode of Two And A Half Men, when one of your broskis texts you asking if you can do him a solid. The size of the favor is irrelevant: “Bros before shows!”
One of your fraternity brothers did the laundry and accidentally shrunk your favorite spaghetti strap muscle shirt. You loved that shirt! It showed off your lats and gave everyone at the gym a titillating peak of your pert, little nipples. Before you rage out, remember: “Bros before clothes!”
Don’t get upset if someone sneaks into your room and reads your “private thought log.” Can you really blame Bryler for wanting to read it, with that tempting little lock on the cover? And so what if he read it onstage at open mic night? Write this under your goals to manifest: “Bros before prose!”
We know about your fetish, bro. You’re planning on seeing which little piggy went to the market and which little piggy is a naughty freak when Craigery bursts into your room in a frightened panic. He’s had his recurring nightmare again: the one where father cuts off his weekly allowance. You need to toe the line and comfort Craigery (a warm glass of milk and soothingly reading him his bank balance usually does the trick): “Bros before toes!”
We were having a legendary beer pong tournament and someone may have used your decorative throw to mop up the spills. I know your Gam Gam (may she rest in peace) made it for you when you were born and it had, like, sentimental meaning or whatever, but: “Bros before throws!”
There’s no “I” in bro. Being a bro is a selfless act. So what if you just flunked your exam/got fired/got dumped/your childhood pet just died, it’s the anniversary of the day Jimothy got acquitted of his drunk and disorderly charge and we’re throwing an epic rager. You can’t put your personal problems before your bros. Buck up, brah, that Jagger Bomb isn’t going to drink itself: “Bros before woes!”
Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”
It’s cheat day and you’ve been looking forward to carbing up by going beast-mode on some bread only to discover Tomathan ate your entire artisanal loaf. Well, he didn’t eat the whole thing. He made a sandwich and then fed the rest to some pigeons in the park. You can’t let a single slice get between you and a fellow bro: “Bros before loaves!”
Your common, ordinary man has no business being placed among – let alone before – someone who is bestowed with the title of bro. There is the one exception of our newest inductee, Joe, who has the unfortunate surname of “Schmoe.” In all other cases: “Bros before schmoes!”
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Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.