Okay, Fine, I’ll Solve Climate Change

Global warming may sound cute and cozy (I can’t stop picturing the Earth in a Snuggie!) but it’s also killing polar bears which, if you think about it, isn’t cute at all. Am I a scientist? No. Have I barely taken the time to Google “climate change what is it even”? Of course not. However, I can’t let that stop me, an unqualified nobody, from finding a solution to this problem.


I must start by giving credit where credit is due: we’re all doing pretty good with the whole straw thingy. I used to not think about straws at all. Now, every time I see a straw I go “ugh” and “nooo!!” and “Do you think it’s worse to use this straw the waiter gave me or just let it sit there because now I’ve already touched it and the restaurant is going to have to throw it away regardless, right?”


Finding sources of renewable energy is crucial to fixing global warming, according to many article headlines I’ve skimmed. I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling:

– Retweeting your own tweets

– Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row

– Wearing the same sweatpants forever

– Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages

– Not checking your voicemail ever (gotta save that energy for more important things like tweeting and straws!)


Plastic, plastic, plastic! It’s everywhere, and it’s polluting our planet! Because identifying a problem is a key part of solving it, we must start by screaming “PLASTIC!” and pointing to it whenever we see it.


In an effort to produce less waste, upcycling will be necessary! A few easy ways to upcycle include using your sleeve as a napkin, using your pants as a sleeve, and wrapping yourself in a duvet and staying in bed until climate change sorts itself out.


It seems passé to even mention, but guys, we have to stop wasting water! Turn off the faucet while brushing your teeth. Don’t shower so much or ever, really. Sneeze on your plants. Cry into a pot until you have enough liquid to boil your pasta. Stop flushing. Get a reusable water bottle or just go outside when it’s raining and open your mouth. Every little bit counts!


Speaking of water waste, eating meat uses so much water, according to recent studies. However, per some other studies, you’ve had a hard week and really deserve that burger. To help raise awareness of water waste in meat production, try frowning really big next time you order at Shake Shack.


We should encourage the more widespread use of solar panels. Make sure to congratulate every solar panel you see by saying “keep it up” and  “yay!” and “you’re doing a good job with the sun!”


Maybe…we can…repurpose…farts??? Wow, okay, this whole thing is harder than I expected.


One super easy way to be more green? Drive less! In fact, you could try not driving at all! Stay at home and don’t leave ever! Your carbon footprint will be reduced to a small, consolidated mess of barefooted sweat marks from anxiety-pacing around your living room.


Millennials are known for their cut-throat ability to kill whatever industry they see fit: real estate, cereal, marriage, mayonnaise, sexist jokes, racist older relatives, Chico’s two-for-one blouses, and napkins. Thus, I propose the inevitable: leave it to younger generations to #slay climate change, ending the problem once and for all.