OPINION: Sure I’ve Written Hundreds of Books, But I’ve Also Crushed a Ton of Librarian Ass by R.L Stine
Many know me as R.L. Stine, the creator of the Goosebumps series of children’s horror books. I’ve even been called the kid’s Stephen King. And while I’m very proud of my career as a prolific writer and fantasist who has influenced millions of young people’s lives, I want you all to know that I’ve not only written hundreds of books, I’ve also crushed a ton of librarian ass.
Of course, I’m a professional. I get up every morning and try to get my word count in. If I didn’t have that kind of discipline, there’s no way I could have finished Welcome to Dead House, Stay Out of the Basement, Monster Blood, and Say Cheese and Die in a single year. That’s four whole books, son! Each chalked full of supernatural child endangerment. But I’m also not made of stone; success comes with its rewards, and after I’ve put the work in on the page, it’s not long before I’m putting the work in on your favorite librarian at the Atlanta Book Conference, a signing at Barnes and Noble, or behind the display at your local Scholastic Book Fair – TWICE!
Folks sometimes ask questions like “Where do you get the inspiration for your stories?” and I always give a canned answer because the truth is that coming up with scary things is easy. Kids are scared most of the time anyway. I’ll tell you what’s difficult, “entertaining” three librarians for hours without stopping to rehydrate. I remember when Chris Van Allsburg and I got tanked at the San Francisco Lit Convention. Those librarians were clinging to us like that monster mask clung to Carly Beth Caldwell in my beloved tale, The Haunted Mask. There was one librarian, head of children’s collections I think, named Tammy. Or was it Trish? Anyway, she couldn’t get enough of “The Shocker on Shock Street,” which is the name of my 23rd novel but also the name I gave to a particular sexual maneuver I invented. I gave her goosebumps that night; I’ll tell you that. Damn…where was I?
When you get as big as me, critics will come for you. It’s a part of the job. Some critics have complained that I’ve gone back to the well one too many times. Sure, Slappy, the living dummy, has been in eight of my books. But you can’t argue with what works. If readers like Slappy, I’m going to give them more Slappy. And if my conquests want more of my tongue game, who am I to disappoint them. That’s one reason they call me “The Werewolf of Fever Swamp.” I’m not afraid to get wet.
You can criticize my work as a writer, but no one has ever slandered my work as a cocksman. Look, James Patterson may have his name on more books, but that doesn’t mean he writes them all. I still write every word myself and sexually fulfill every librarian who wants a ride.
I’ll be giving out tricks and treats all season long, kid. So reader beware, you’re in for a scare, and tell your local librarian, Bob “Real Long” Stine says hello. She’ll remember me. How could she forget.
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Rob Walker is a former funeral D.J., failed birthday magician, and future ghost. He writes comedy and horror. Scripts. Sketches. Screenplays.
