President Trump White House Tour

A first-person account by one lucky reporter

It is a pretty neat thing to meet the president! First, let me tell you, you have to pass through a lot of security at the White House. Top flight men, one and all. But when you can flash a “WRITER” license like me, and you have an appointment, they let you right through.

I’m happy to report that President Trump looks even better up close than he does on your TV. I mean, just absolutely. Just terrific, ok? Anyway. Off we went on the tour!

President Trump personally started us off in the Oval Office. Or so I thought! He confided in me a shocking secret – for security reasons, Mr. Leader Trump has constructed an entirely accurate replica of the Oval Office, occupied by a “Trumpalike.” But what does this Lesser Trump do all day, I asked, bedeviled by the genius of the thing. “Signs stuff, walks around, hell if I know,” replied President Mr. T, affably, yet respectably.

I peered around, and was hit by the kicker: Donald Trump’s security replica Oval Office is exactly mirror reversed!

“Imagine some miscreant, some cretin, trying to make his way in here to do who-knows-what,” trumped the President. “Now imagine – everything’s reversed! He’s going to be so foiled. But that’s not all!”

Trump winked at me. It was like a tiny curtain briefly eclipsed part of his face.

“This Oval Office. It’s actually round. Perfectly round! They said a perfectly round room couldn’t be built. But I got some of my guys in here, the best guys, the guys who know how to build round, and they got it done. And under budget! I didn’t even pay them.”

I looked around. What a marvel. “What was even here before?”, I opined. (There, in the moment, I couldn’t remember the White House blueprints, or if I had ever even looked at them.)

“Exactly,” woofed Trump. The tour continued!

We meandered down a long hallway. Before us, on each side, stretched a string of portraits, all of the Fine Trump Man himself. And they were emitting noise!

Trump, firmly: “You’ve heard of portraits that follow you around with their eyes? Of course you have. Everyone has. Old stuff. Yesterday’s wall-things. These -these- they follow you around with their mouths. Listen, marvel, do whatever you want. But you’re gonna love it.”

We shuffled daintily down the hallway. The paintings were shouting at us! All the same message, too: “You’re a loser! You’re not the president! I’m the president. But you’re not the president! That would be me!” The effect of that message, resounding through and across multiple paintings, was indescribable, loud, and powerful.

 

We emerged into a portico, or perhaps a gazebo. Rising in front of us was a statue of Donald Trump, and even though I was not surprised, because it felt appropriate, I was still stunned. The statue must have been more than a dozen feet tall, but the size seemed somehow different. I commented upon this to the B.P. (Boss President), saying the size felt different, somehow.

“I know, right? That’s because this statue is a trick, a perspective trick. It looks like it’s a regular big, good statue, but it’s not regular at all, it’s the least regular thing I’ve ever done,” the top man happily oozed. “Here, step sideways.” I moved towards one of my sides, and then I saw it – the statue extended back at least a hundred feet! Only from the front did it look like Donald J. Trump – from the side it looked like a stretched out Doooonnnnnaaaaalllllddddd JJJJJJJJJJJJJ Trrrrrrruuuuuummmpppp! In fact, from this new vantage it looked strange and upsetting.

#1 Donald laughed. “Nobody has a statue like this. Nobody! Everyone else has a regular statue, but only I could change a statue with its shape.”

It was hard to argue with him. I realized we had reached the end of the tour, because we were at the far end of the White House, where it tapers to a tiny point and it’s hard for two people to comfortably fit. But the Trump kindly diswedged himself, opened a hatch, and ushered me through, and just like that I was back outside on the city streets. I had been immeasurably enriched, though not literally, because I just then remembered the President had charged me $15 for the tour.