Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

Bring your own food and supplies.   Hoping to wait for a window of opportunity in regards to stealing the food and supplies of other picnickers can oftentimes be a fools’ errand.    And a good way to paint yourself into a corner re: having to eat a broiled beet sandwich and store-brand diet soda, etc.

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Picnic areas are typically held in safe, calm spaces.   Don’t attempt to combine your picnic with your annual Megadeth fan club meeting, for example.

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You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

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Please do not attempt to have a picnic while also filming your homemade searching-for-Bigfoot documentary.    What if you do happen to locate Bigfoot?    Are you going to have enough potato salad to share?   Think about these things beforehand, if you would, please.

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“That’s about as popular as ants at a picnic.”   Familiar with that saying, are you?    If you still haven’t managed to transform your girlfriend from her current half-human / half-ant form back to fully human, please refrain from bringing her along.

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The only times I’ve ever seen people having sex during a picnic is in slasher movies, right before all parties concerned are gruesomely dispatched by a lurking psychopath.    I’m not sure this is a tip per se, but perhaps something to think about.

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Please don’t use the romantic allure of a typical picnic experience as an excuse to carve the initials belonging to you and your beloved onto a nearby tree.    The metal detectors located at the entrances of most parks will most likely render this tip null, but in the interest of a completely thorough list of picnic tips… there you are.

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Even if you’re writing a book on the picnicking experience, don’t go on a series of picnics by yourself.    It not only looks weird, it’s the law.

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