So You Want to Date a Teddy Bear: Ranking Teddy Bears by their Sensibility, Dependability, and F#ckability

Winnie the Pooh

Sensibility:

Pooh is a naive bear with a one-track mind. While pouring out your heart, you notice his head stuck in a honey jar. Further attempts at serious chats prove to be futile.

Dependability:

Despite his absent-mindedness, Pooh generally comes through for the people he loves. Just don’t expect speedy results when assigning him a to-do list.

Fuckability:

Pooh is a thiccc ass bear with plenty of cushion for the pushin’. Though a giving partner, he’s not without his kinks, such as a preference to use honey as a substitute for over-the-counter lubrication.

 

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Snuggle Bear

Sensibility:

The pressures of being a mascot to one of the most popular fabric softener brands of all time has driven Snuggle Bear to a perpetual state of apprehensiveness. When attempting to divulge the details of your day, he’s quick to deliver a snarky remark that undermines your struggle. “Well, it could be worse. You could be Snuggle-fucking-Bear and have the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on your shoulders.”

Dependability:

If you need help fighting wrinkles, reducing static, and adding a soft touch and fresh scent to your laundry, Snuggle Bear is the boo for you. If only every aspect of life revolved around the washing machine.

Fuckability:

Sadly, Snuggle Bear’s tense personality finds its way into the bedroom. Expect erratic humping and awkward grunting noises during sex. Don’t worry; it’s usually over within sixty seconds.

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Tenderheart Bear (From Care Bears)

Sensibility:

It’s undeniable that Tenderheart is a great listener. Whatever personal crisis you’re experiencing, he will be there for you with an open mind, positive reinforcement, and hugs. So.Many.Hugs. This act of tenderness will likely test your patience by the first hour of the relationship. Be prepared to establish boundaries before the situation becomesunbearable.

Dependability:

Devoted to the point of concern, Tenderheart will do anything for love except respect your boundaries. His possessive need to control your well-being will leave you feeling suffocated. If you ask him to lay off the caring, don’t be surprised when he takes it personally.

Fuckability:

Tenderheart packs a wallop in the sack. There’s only one issue: he can’t decipher sex cues. Just as you’re about to climax, he steps off the gas and inquires if he has your consent. “Are you okay? Was that a good moan or a bad moan? Maybe we should call the whole thing off and hug it out.” You assure him it’s okay to continue for the hundredth time. Alas, the cycle continues.

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Teddy Ruxpin

Sensibility:

Teddy Ruxpin is a self-centered, egotistical maniac. Regardless of what topic you bring to the table, he will find a way to make the conversation about himself. “Sorry you’re feeling disorientated, babe. Have I ever told you about the time I got lost in Boggley Woods with my friends Grubby and Newton Gimmick?”

Dependability:

You can’t count on Ruxpin to do much of anything. He’s far too preoccupied with his adventures, the likes of which you’re not allowed to join.

Fuckability:

Sex with Ruxpin is relatively painless, so long as you keep your eyes closed. Failure to do so will result in a chilling glimpse of his unchanging o-face. Try as you might, you will not be able to unsee his lifeless eyes bulging out of their sockets or his mouth agape with child-like wonder.

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Corduroy

Sensibility:

Aside from finding his missing buttons, Corduroy wishes to establish meaningful connections. You’ll discover he’s receptive to transparent discussions, offering sage advice and a soft shoulder to lean on when the chips are down. A potential drawback is that Corduroy is extremely hard on himself. His self-deprecating “woe is me” narrative will likely grow tiresome.

Dependability:

Corduroy has a good heart, but his life is in constant disarray. It seems he’s always trying to pick up his missing pieces and sew them back together. Stability is not his strongest suit.

Fuckability:

As long as he’s in good spirits, sex with Corduroy is pleasant. However, because his mental state is so frazzled, he lacks confidence in his ability to satisfy his suitors. Be prepared for him to ask whether or not you enjoyed his performance after every lovemaking session. And even if you shower him with praise, he’ll never believe you.