Originals

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

The stunning news spread that Bob Iger would return to Disney as CEO, ending the stormy tenure of his successor, Bob Chapek.” –Variety


Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

As a highly sought-after agency, we find the very best CEOs to “fill in” until a more diverse candidate can be found. “Fill in” is code for having the job until retirement, and “diverse” is code for a Bob with a different first letter in his last name. But you didn’t hear that from us! No siree Bob.

Our process is simple and streamlined: we drive out into the Mojave desert and find a post on the side of the road. We look around and yell, “Is anyone else more qualified to take on a million dollar plus salary and lead this powerful corporation’s future?”



If no other qualified candidates step forward, this legally counts as “post”-ing the job. We can then move back into our normal process of going straight to one of our able-Bobied candidates.

And we don’t just offer CEO replacements! Our well-varied departments boast some proud alumni:

 

Fine Arts Favorites: Bob Fosse, Bob Dylan, Bob Ross, Bob Odenkirk

Political Journalists: Bob Woodward, Bob Schieffer

Game Show Host Division: Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks, Alex “Honorary Bob” Trebek

Fashion Forward-Thinkers: Bob Mackie, The Bob Cut

Can-Do Construction Creatives: Bob The Builder

 

Can they build the future? Yes they Bob!™

Now, to an outsider, it may seem like we have too narrow of a field of candidates. But you have to understand that over the years we’ve been through a number of qualified Roberts, Robs, and Robbys. One time a woman named Bobbi made it through the application process on a glitch, but we quickly assured her that we needed to “go in a different direction.” The system simply works best when we just stick to Bobs!

We look forward to helping you find your next CEO. Remember that as sure as Bob’s your uncle, he’s also the most powerful member of the board and the top shareholder in your company.

 

by Emily Menez

Emily Menez is a comedy writer who has created content for IFC, Funny or Die, and CBS. She hails from Overland Park, Kansas, which is the coolest part of the Midwest (do not challenge her on this). You can find her glossy headshots and various writings here.