How To: World Domination for Bears

Are you a bear and can read? Do you lust for more than just salmon? Then this article is for you! First off, humans already fear you. Instilling fear in us will be the least of your concerns. However, before you even begin the process of world domination, you will need to get a message to your circus brethren. You know who I’m talking about. The “black sheep” of the black bear. These guys are an embarrassment to your species. Not only are they riding around on little motorcycles and wearing silly hats, but they’re ruining your all around respect.

How can we respect and fear you, when all we need to order you around is a whip and a top hat? Relay a message to these bears: “We have not forgotten you. Be a bear again. You’re acting like a seal.” You will probably not want to give out too many details about the upcoming bear domination, because humans are notoriously sneaky individuals. If we find those notes, we will read them and share them on Twitter. Probably with an LOL or a hashtag that everybody will forget about in a couple days.

Better yet, don’t pass any notes. Train one of your bald eagle friends to go and speak to these bears directly. Now you might be asking, how do I train a bald eagle? Don’t worry about that, that part is easy. The harder part is getting the eagle to talk to the bear. I’m not sure how to to do that, but it probably takes time and patience. As for training the eagle, feel free to share some of that fish you’re always fighting over. Once that eagle learns to trust you, then start leaving the fish closer and closer to a circus tent. Before you know it, you have trained an eagle. I haven’t personally tried that, but it sounds like something that could work.

After you have taught the eagle to speak to the circus bears, you’ll be ready. The circus bears will need to make a joint effort to escape at the same moment, across the world. Every captive bear that you know of will need to do a couple things:

1) Rip off that stupid tie. There really isn’t an advantage to this, it’s more symbolic. Feel free to wipe your ass with it too.

2) Kill your handler. It’s important that you do this quietly. Alerting other circus employees that will have dart guns or crossbows with knockout drug arrows is not something you want to happen. Wait until you’re alone with your handler, then take out his throat in one quick swipe. You may have been trained for years to think that what you’re doing is a bad thing. What you’re actually doing is a corrective measure. He taught you to ride a motorcycle by whipping you and you’re teaching him to not leave you alone with him by tearing out his esophagus. How will he learn? That’s it. Good bear.

3) After you have killed the handler, you will need his keys. Using your bear claws (and by bear claws I mean the claws at the end of your arms, not the delicious doughnuts) carefully lift his keychain from his belt. You might feel some resistance, this is normal, as the keychain is probably chained to his belt loop like an idiot. Again, removing his throat will prevent him from keeping his keys like this in the future. Once you have the keys you will need to unlock yourself and escape.

Note: The handler may have lots of keys and it will be time consuming to go through each one. You have a couple options here, the first is using your longest bear claw as a lockpick. It may take a little time to catch all the tumblers in there, but not as long as going through each and every key. Your other option will take a little more finesse. Before your escape, take note of your handlers keychain. If there are more keys than you are comfortable with, tell your new eagle friend.

This will take a little foresight on your end. When you’re relaying messages with the eagle and the circus bears, you will need to tell the eagle about Plan B. Plan B is simple, yet effective.

As a circus bear, before you murder your handler, tell your eagle that you will need to initiate Plan B. At the time of your escape, you should grab your handler and be sure not to kill him. You need to do a couple things, make sure he doesn’t scream by covering his mouth and letting him know you mean business by striking him in the leg with your other paw. Once the handler believes that you are now in control and fears for his life, the eagle will take over.

The eagle needs to say, “Listen up, motherfucker.” The swearing is necessary because any human that witnesses an eagle talking to him may start laughing, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to convey. “You’re going to unlock this fucking cage or my bear friend here is going to fucking kill you.” Have the eagle say something about blinking once if he understands, that always seems to work well in the movies.

Once all the circus bears around the world are free, let the mayhem begin. Your next task should be taking out the people that have guns, that will make it easier to wipe out children later. Use a small fraction of your bears to release other bears at zoos. You can add to the chaos by releasing other animals too, but you should only release those that you can easily kill. Letting a panther out and having it maul you to death is something you want to avoid.

It all sounds fairly simple now that it’s all out for you to read. As a reminder, if you do come across me or my family, all I ask is a simple handshake or a nod in appreciation before you take my head off.