Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow

“Gwyneth Paltrow was called to the witness stand Friday in a civil suit filed against her, where she emphatically denied that she caused an accident at Utah’s Deer Valley Resort in 2016 that left a man seriously injured.” -NBC News, 3/24/23

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“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing”

Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow

Did you know?

Did you know Park City, Utah doesn’t have green juice?

Well, they do

But it’s not green enough for meeee –

Did you know?

Did you know I lost half a day of skiing?

That’s six hours orrr—

How long my vagina candle burns!

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“Covering My Face With a $250 Notebook”

Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Kristin Chenoweth (Ms. Paltrow had a cold)

Please don’t look at me!

This is not a Moleskine notebook!

It’s much more expensive than that.

That is the end of this song!

“I Want to Sleep With the Defendant”

Lyrics by Kristin VanOrman, performed by Idina Menzel 

This is the weirdest trial I have ever seen!

But wow, I’m questioning a celebrity!

She’s right here, looking right at me

Her glazed over green eyes staring straight into my soul

She’s taller in person!

I’ll ask what her shoe size is, it’s pertinent to the case

I’ve never felt like this in the courtroom before!

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“I Am But a Poor Optometrist”

Lyrics by Terry Sanderson, performed by Nathan Lane

A fateful day in 2016–

When I took to the slopes for the last time.

Simply minding my business, when oof–

I was launched straight into the side of the mountain

By all 12-pounds of that witch Gwyneth!

This is not a shakedown

I am simply asking for what I am owed 

I couldn’t even work after the accident

Yes, I was already retired, but that’s not the point!

I am but a poor optometrist 

Simply asking for some sympathy

To pay my medical bills from 2016

Did you know optometrists have terrible insurance?

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“I’m Not Really Friends With Taylor Swift”

Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Taylor Swift 

I thought we were, but now I’m not so sure!

I went to a concert, but she didn’t give me backstage passes

I was asked to leave by security, those asses

They don’t know who I aaammm!

That I am wanted in the state of Utah

A hardened criminal (even though this is a civil suit)

Taylor never texted me back!

After I said, “I am outside your house”

But we’re on good terms, I’m sure!

I am Gwyneth! (Taylor’s version)

But for legal purposes, we’re just friendly.

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“I Want to Sleep With the Defendant, Reprised”

Lyrics by Kristin VanOrman, performed by Idina Menzel 

We aren’t on the same side, this feeling is forbidden.

But I can’t seem to stop asking about her outfits!

She might be friends with Taylor Swift—-

I want to run my fingers through her Goop!

Hold on, that’s not professional

This is a legal case, and I am upholding the law

But you know what?

It’s time I followed my heart!

I want Gwyneth Paltrow to crash into meeeee!

 

illustration by Bob Eckstein