One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

You’ve been self-quarantining for 15 days.  This morning you tried to get some work done while drinking coffee.  Where did you leave that coffee mug?

(A: The coffee mug is next to the 14 other half-empty coffee mugs you’ve misplaced.)

Your fifth grader is supposed to log into a Zoom session with his teacher today at 10 AM.  Yesterday’s session was 35 minutes of zoom-bombing with animated GIFs of angry cats. What is the password for today’s session?

(A: There is no password.  The teacher still does not understand how to use Zoom.)

You are looking at a clock that displays the correct time, but you do not know what time it is. Why?

(A: Trick question.  Time no longer exists.)

Your daughter’s college closed and she is sheltering at home with you.  Her old boyfriend from high school is also back in town and sheltering with his parents.  It’s past 9 PM.  Where is your daughter?

(A: Your daughter is in her room.  Haven’t you ever heard of cybersex, Mom?)

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why?

(A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

Back in March, you had a sore throat and a strange ache in your neck, but no fever.  Last week, you overheard the doorman telling the Instacart delivery guy that the woman in 6C – the one with the yappy labradoodle — just can’t stop coughing.  Did you have COVID-19?

(A: Yes, you had COVID-19. But according to that article you just read in The Atlantic, you might get it again, so also sort of no.)

Your boss assigned you a large project.  Unable to concentrate during the day, you stayed up all night, completed the project, and emailed it to your boss.  Your boss has not responded to the email.  Why?

(A: Your boss was busy moving into his luxury doomsday bunker, complete with underground pool and fully-stocked wine cave.  Also, you’re fired.)

You ordered an inflatable pool from Amazon.  Amazon claims the package was delivered this afternoon, but when you go outside you do not see it.  Why not?

(A: When leaving the house, you accidentally put your mask over your eyes instead of your mouth.)

Your doctor has three young children.  Two of them are sons.  Their names are John and Joseph.  What is the name of the third child?

(A: The third child’s name is Jayden.  Or maybe it’s Jessica.  Your doctor can’t remember, she hasn’t seen her kids awake in five weeks.)

While making breakfast, you used the last egg in the house.  Your husband left for the grocery store at 9 AM to buy more.  It is now 3 PM, and he is still not home.  What happened?

(A: Your husband went to the store, waited in line for ten minutes, then bought eggs, flour, and toilet paper.  He spent the next five hours sitting in the car, checking emails on his phone.  At least some things remain unchanged.)