Joey Chestnut’s Yelp Review of Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island, July 5

Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway?

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

CARTOON: Everybody Wins

Feel the burn! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Please Stand When You See Me In My American Flag Speedo At the Pool This Weekend Otherwise You are Disrespecting the Troops

So when I walk by you – whether on my way to the diving board to do another cannonball or on my way to the snack shack to get some Freedom fries – you will stand and respect the flag.

I Am Nathan’s Hot Dog #75 and I Pray That Joey Chestnut’s Stomach Is Slowing Down

The spotlight might give my love life a boost. After all, there is no better way to let all the single snacks out there know that I am available than not getting eaten on ESPN. Have I mentioned that I always use a condiment?

CARTOON: Half Mast

Can't get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.