Listen all you so called patriots hanging out at the pool on the fourth of July with me. You will stand for and salute my Stars and Stripes Speedo bathing suit out of respect for those who have fought, died and sacrificed so we can live and flourish and drink Budweiser poolside in the greatest nation on the face of the earth. If you do not stand when I walk by you will be disrespecting the troops.
Isn’t it sad that it has now become to political or too controversial to ask Americans to stand for the flag?
This bathing suit which covers most, or at least a sizable portion, of the surface area of my buttocks and genitalia is not “just” a piece of cloth; it’s not “just” several square inches of moisture-wicking lycra fabric. It’s a Speedo with blue and white stars and red and white stripes on it. These symbols are an eternal reminder of how blessed we are to be Americans. Remember, millions of people would die to be in our shoes.
Look at the red and white stripes running parallel to the shaft of my penis, under the folds of my beer belly (Budweiser thank you very much), over and through my ass crack, and around my left buttock. You know what those mean? Those stripes symbolize the original thirteen colonies from which our great nation was founded. Count ‘em. Yes, there are thirteen stripes: six circumnavigating my left buttock and seven circumnavigating my right buttock. I guess one stripe is partially hidden inside the crack of my ass but rest assured it’s there. Just like our flag was still there o’er the ramparts we watched. Yeah asshole. History repeats itself.
And you know what the colors mean? Red means mean valor and perseverance and white means innocence and justice. We could all use a little but more innocence and justice these days don’t you think? So when I walk by you – whether on my way to the diving board to do another cannonball or on my way to the snack shack to get some Freedom fries – you will stand and respect the flag.
Look at these stars. There’s a cluster of stars which begin at the head of my penis and extend outward, over my scrotum, through my taint, and into the crevice of my sphincter. Why yes, I am circumcised. No. My parents just did it. And yes I have heard of the Brazilian wax but why are you talking about Brazil on America’s birthday? Anyway, you know what those stars mean? They symbolize the thirteen colonies from which our great nation was founded. And blue means valor and bravery.
Under God and under the American flag we are not white, black or brown, we are RED WHITE and BLUE. Congrats Colin Kaepernick, you made hatred of America the new celebrity fad. George Soros is so proud. Respect, honor and love of the stars and stripes no matter where they are isn’t a white thing or a Conservative thing, or a Trump supporter thing- it’s an American thing. My genitalia is a reminder to the military families who have lost loved ones their fellow Americans recognize and remember their sacrifice. That’s why WE STAND. That’s why YOU WILL STAND. Whenever you see me.
You know what I am? Well if you’re conservative, I’m American as fuck. And if you’re a liberal, then I am offensive. Let’s go. No. Liberals don’t think I’m offensive because the Speedo is ill-fitting, they think I’m offensive because they hate the real America.
And no, I will never apologize. For wearing a Speedo in public? No. For loving America.
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Gary M. Almeter is an attorney who lives in a quaint and cozy neighborhood in Baltimore, MD with his wife, three children and beagle. His short stories, essays and humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney’s, Writer’s Bone, the Good Men Project, 1966, and Splitsider. He is the recipient of the Maryland Writer’s Association’s 2015 Creative Nonfiction Award. His first book “The Emperor of Ice-Cream” will be published in March 2019.